In the Front Line

After braving through the first week of yet another year in med school, I made sure that there was some fuel for the fire that seems to burn within me: the fire of a religious vocation. But in an albeit different way.

All along I have been thinking and imagining the joys of being a priest. Spending time with Jesuit and Dominican friends have somehow given me an impression that their lives are more comfortable comparing to those of people who have to work 8 to 5, worry about daily expenses and other worldly cares. It seemed attractive, too much, to leave everything behind.

I suspect that throughout the time that I have been feeling attraction to the priestly way of life, a Jesuit way of life, I may have been obsessed with the idea of leaving everything and living in a sort-of freedom to do what I want and what God wants.

This time, I wanted to expose myself to a whole new perspective: what are situations and circumstances that would possibly make me leave the priesthood?

I have been a big fan of the UP Manila library since I attended college; it may be small, but it has collections of yearbooks and other historical stuff. It has the first university yearbook of 1915, where I saw pictures of the original Padre Faura campus. In the various issues of the Philippinensian, the university yearbook until the late 1970s, I saw the growth of various institutions within the university: my own medical fraternity, the College of Medicine; and of course, as my aspiring Jesuit soul wants me to discover; the history of the presence of the Society of Jesus in the University of the Philippines.

But then again, discussing the latter would be best reserved for another blog entry.

Ever since I was in grade school, I loved, adored and intellectually ate history books. So, as I yearned to fulfill the urge to scan a yearbook, I chanced upon a shelf containing books published by two religious orders that are most influential in my life, the Dominicans, and of course, the Jesuits. One book that caught my attention was Leaving the Priesthood: A Close Reading of Priestly Departures by Fr. Emmanuel Fernandez, a diocesan priest.

I haven't finished reading the book yet, but as I began turning each page, I was riveted onto every detail. I tried to put myself into every situation presented by the persons who willingly shared their vocation stories and how they left the priesthood. I all throughout thought: "Will I choose to leave the priesthood too, if I were in their shoes?" I prayed hard. If this Jesuit priesthood vocation were God's plan for me, it should persist within my soul no matter what happens. I must know myself and discover the complexities of my own self.

And I thought: if God were to invest me the honor of being a Companion of His Son Jesus, I wouldn't want to be just another knight.

True to the principle of magis, being more and doing more, I fervently prayed that if I were to follow His Son through the Society, I have to develop my own skills, talents and capabilities first. God granted me a chance to study medicine, and I am on my third year now.


I pray so much that God will grant me the strength to carry on, so that at the hour that I choose to leave everything, sign away all my privileges and live a life of poverty, chastity and obedience; I will not be just another knight in the sidelines, but a knight in the front line: fighting His battles fiercely yet prudently, to the death.

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Saint Jean de Brebeuf, Saint Isaac Jogues and the Jesuit martyrs of Canada, pray for us.

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Photo credits:
picture 1: The Spiritual Journey of St. Ignatius Loyola: Wounded at Pamplona. During an extended convalescence, Ignatius turns mind and heart from a preoccupation with self-glory to a passion for the greater glory of God. Acrylic on wood panel with gold leaf, 44"x27"Artist: Dora Nikolova Bittau, Chapel of St. Ignatius, Seattle University

picture 2: http://www.ateneopress.org/detail_socsci.asp?ID=14

picture 3: The Spiritual Journey of St. Ignatius Loyola: Abiding Intimacy with the Trinity in Rome. Ignatius governs the Society of Jesus and writes the Constitutions that guide the Society's life and mission in a prayerful abiding union with God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Acrylic on wood panel with gold leaf, 44"x27", Artist: Dora Nikolova Bittau, Chapel of St. Ignatius, Seattle University

picture 4: The Spiritual Journey of St. Ignatius Loyola: Confirmed in Mission at LaStorta. Ignatius' desire and prayer that he and his companions serve Christ's mission is confirmed when God places him with Jesus carrying his cross. Acrylic on wood panel with gold leaf, 44"x27", Artist: Dora Nikolova Bittau, Chapel of St. Ignatius, Seattle University

All works of Dora Nikolova Bittau were borrowed from http://www.seattleu.edu/missionministry/jesuitidentity/Art/Chapel%20Art.htm.