Holiness?

MATTHEW 11:20-24

Jesus began to reproach the towns where most of his mighty deeds had been done, since they had not repented. "Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the mighty deeds done in your midst had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would long ago have repented in sackcloth and ashes.

But I tell you, it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon on the day of judgment than for you. And as for you, Capernaum: Will you be exalted to heaven? You will go down to the nether world. For if the mighty deeds done in your midst had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day.

But I tell you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom on the day of judgment than for you."

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One of the greatest things that the Vocation Seminar (see, the indescribable high is still here) taught me was how to make the Examen of Consciousness, a prayer method inspired by the experiences and spirituality of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. A component of this Examen is the part when one resolves to correct his mistakes and shortcomings, while imploring the aid of the Holy Spirit to give strength and divine grace.

Admittedly, I discovered once again that the resolution to do good and improve on one's mistakes can only be achieved one step at a time. Personally, it had to start with the value of punctuality and time management. Managing time wisely is an essential skill for medical students, and I have to admit that I am not really good at this skill yet. I often find myself immersed in either busying myself too much with things that are not of paramount priority; while actually getting stressed at how short time is for studying and finishing coursework.

"The Lord has done great things for me," my Blessed Mother once remarked. I can also claim that God had done the same to me. But have I changed my ways?

I am still reflecting on how I am called to strip myself of everything to offer myself to God. Come to think of it, I reckon that this thinking has pervaded through every post I have made in this blog since having the inspiration to put this up.

Once again, as every blog post of mine has allowed other people to observe, I ask questions to myself. Am I ready? Am I ready to embrace the dirt? To smile despite the situations being presented before me? Am I ready to smile when people do wrong to me, lambast me or belittle me? Am I ready to face people of different experiences and inclinations? And seek how I can serve the God within them?

While wolfing hurriedly my lunch, I became suddenly inspired by the example of people who are doing menial tasks, like that janitor in the shopping mall, cleaning the dirt on the tables left by those who had eaten there. Or waiters at the local fastfood chain. Or metro aides. Something within me wants to experience poverty at its very core, by being in their shoes. I believe God will grant me the time and the future opportunities. For now, I will have to seek God in my current circumstances, as a medical student trying to make sense of this urgency that I feel: the urgency to follow God's call.

You may say that I am trying to show an image of holiness, with these things that my heart had been urging me, but I don't really think so. In particular, when something within me tells me how "holy" I have been feeling of myself, I wake myself up and pray harder. I believe it is when we feel that we are holy that we feel we are complacent. Oftentimes, a matter of days only pass after feeling "holy" and I commit sins characteristic of my innate weaknesses.

I am never holy. God will only have the authority to judge that. My weaknesses are still here. For now, I am intensely praying for the grace to be holy, as I must, as I could, as I should.



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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.knls.org/images/humble/humble23.jpg, http://mbec.phila.gov/procurement/pix/janitor.jpg