Unfading

Lk 21:29-33

Jesus told his disciples a parable.
“Consider the fig tree and all the other trees.
When their buds burst open,
you see for yourselves and know that summer is now near;
in the same way, when you see these things happening,
know that the Kingdom of God is near.
Amen, I say to you, this generation will not pass away
until all these things have taken place.
Heaven and earth will pass away,
but my words will not pass away.”

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Today's Gospel tells us about the permanence of God's words, how, despite the changing generations, times, and prevailing cultures, the Word of God does not fade away.

Just this afternoon as I was about to attend mass, I was praying for guidance for my upcoming exams in internal medicine when a question suddenly struck me: how should I love the Lord? He has been there all along, in my sinfulness, and in the times I recognized Him enough to avoid sinning. In the times I have been confused about life, and the choices I make. In the times I groaned and shouted expletives at difficult circumstances that found my way through the years.

He has been there. I believe that, in one of my prayers He told me He will always be there. And He never failed me. But I fail Him. And this is what my heart, when fully awake and cognizant of this, makes me want to shed tears for.

My friend, whom I'll call Francis here, asked me about God's faithfulness, no matter our sinfulness is. I just told him that He is a forgiving God.

A forgiving God, enough that He still allows me to live, and to work so that, in the future, I may come to serve Him in the way that He wants for me.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

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picture credit: http://mchristi.wso.net/fig_tree2.jpg

Assisting at Anointing

I just assisted at anointing one of my patients, who presented at the emergency department with a very poor prognosis. Unresponsive to all of the stimuli I tried to rouse her from sleep, and her pupils not responsive to light, she looked as if death were waiting around the corner.

Since I started rotating in the hospital as a clinical clerk, in other words a junior doctor, the phenomenon of death has never failed to perplex me. It seems so fast as it comes, snatching life out of those whom it calls to. I once had another patient who, after being suctioned of his phlegm through his breathing tube, suddenly became agitated and died. Death is as scary as it is abrupt, all that has been with the person is now over. The heart stops, the eyes cease to respond to light, the breathing stops, and the blood pressure goes down to 0/0.

It is not a comfortable feeling to have one of your own patients die.

I have often been exposed to death as though it were something to be expected, something after which, life could go on for the rest of us in the hospital. Back to work. No debriefings. No processing sessions. Just getting back to work. One still has other patients to work on. One still needs to study. One still needs to go on, move on.

I have not gotten used to it though. There is still a part of me that wants to grieve.

My friend TJ, a Jesuit novice, once asked me how we medical professionals manage to cope with witnessing death. I told him there is no single way.

I imagine myself suffering with the family, and the dying patient as my own flesh and blood. This brings tears to my eyes, in part, because this person has been loved and cared for by his family and loved ones.

I cry. I slowly realize that all that this world has to offer has its end. And I slowly get reminded to work for riches that will at least earn me a place in heaven. Or, to put it more altruistically, to work so that I can help other people earn their respective places in heaven too.

Witnessing death may have caused me sadness. But if I were to look at death as a path towards life eternal, I ought to feel that death is also an opportunity for those living to realize how we should make the best out of the life that has been given us.

Assisting at this morning's anointing just made me realize this: God is still calling me to do greater things than this.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

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Picture credit: http://www.stblase.org/images/sacraments_images/anointing.jpg

Holy Perseverance

Lk 21:12-19

Jesus said to the crowd:
“They will seize and persecute you,
they will hand you over to the synagogues and to prisons,
and they will have you led before kings and governors
because of my name.
It will lead to your giving testimony.
Remember, you are not to prepare your defense beforehand,
for I myself shall give you a wisdom in speaking
that all your adversaries will be powerless to resist or refute.
You will even be handed over by parents,
brothers, relatives, and friends,
and they will put some of you to death.
You will be hated by all because of my name,
but not a hair on your head will be destroyed.
By your perseverance you will secure your lives.”

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"Kailan ba matatapos ang kabaliwang ito? (When will all this madness end?)" I exaperatedly sighed upon arriving at home after a tiring tour of duty as a student psychiatrist on duty for the past 24 hours. I had seen 3 patients who have been sent to the emergency room for ingestion of toxic substances, silver jewelry cleaner and moth balls among others. I have also seen a woman who has been taking drugs, which have triggered her schizophrenia. Interviewing her was a challenge, and I risked being shouted at by this patient.

Stress. Today's lifestyle demands much of our time than before, and medicine is definitely not an exception. Today's Gospel reminds us of the importance of the things that God given us, the responsibilities He has entrusted us. And to do them, not just because we need to finish them, but because it is our purpose in life to be faithful to what God is calling us to do.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

The Best I Have

Lk 21:1-4

When Jesus looked up he saw some wealthy people
putting their offerings into the treasury
and he noticed a poor widow putting in two small coins.
He said, “I tell you truly,
this poor widow put in more than all the rest;
for those others have all made offerings from their surplus wealth,
but she, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood.”

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It has been more than 3 months since my last post at this blog. All along my blogging hiatus, two readers have signified interest in following my posts, and thank you very much. But I now think it is time to start anew, and while things in medical clerkship are beginning to be more manageable, more time for meditation has to be done. God only desires the best out of us.

Today's Gospel tells us of how God appreciates those who are willing to give their all to Him, like the widow who unselfishly gave all the coins she had, two of them. How much am I willing to give? Is it only the surplus? Am I ready to give all my life right now, and let God take care of the consequences?

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To update all those who have been reading this blog during my blogging hiatus, I am now in my fourth year in medical school and have just braved through clinical clerkships in the following departments: obstetrics-gynecology, anesthesiology, emergency medicine, surgery, internal medicine, and now, neurology and psychiatry. It has been a very stressful stage in my life, and it has allowed me to reflect on different ways I handle stress, responsibilities, and relationships. For the latter, this would not mean only relationships with other people, but also with God. even now, I find myself struggling to pray, and use prayer as a way to counteract the negative energies that stress in medical school is giving me. I haven't been attending church in the same way that I have been before. And habits are beginning to form once more, habits that I have always wanted to be under my control.

I felt God was there all along, silently goading me on and reassuring me that there is something greater to this chaos I am being forced to brave through. But there was a feeling of emptiness, that I tried to fill with all my human, therefore frail, strength. God proved to me once more He is more than anything I could ever muster. And I am just to happy to hear His voice and listen to what He wants me to do.

There are three things that my confessor told me about getting back on the road, and giving time for meditating everyday experiences: praying to God not to put his graces to waste, praying for the grace to do three things better, and praying:

Lord, help me get back on track.

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I have a patient to accompany to CT Scan in five minutes. Gotta rush.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.