Meditations of a Discerning Soul

Community Confusion

2010-10-10T18:19:00.003+08:00

It has been a while since I posted here. Let me update you about what has happened to me.

1) I am now an intern in the PGH. Enough said. :)

2) I learned Brazilian Portuguese and tried to practice it with someone half a world away. I even thought that that friendship would deepen, and become something else, after all I have been yearning for a relationship. But that did not prosper. God had other plans.

3) The third I will discuss at length here.

I joined a local charismatic community for single men and women. This was during a phase of my life that I have been very confused about the future, about my life, about what to do. This confusion has led to seeking for the wrong answers. I sinned. The busy schedule only made things worse. I was happy on the outside--cheerful to other classmates, caring to patients. But then I realized God is calling me to serve Him and to strengthen my prayer life. I decided to enter a local singles community by attending a Christian Life Program. Here's the thing: I was in a very busy schedule and I wasn't able to attend all the courses I needed to enter. They did grant me the chance to make the commitment to joining the community despite this, and I did enjoy the company of the brothers and sisters.

But admittedly, I feel I am driven to do something more.

I tried to bring my sister to this community, now she is pulling me to join another--the community of singles associated with our original charismatic youth community, where together we served God for the past eight years.

I am currently discerning whether to stay on with my singles community or to seek out a chapter of this singles community that my sister wants me to join.

I am currently praying hard, for a move like this may do give me a chance to serve God, but it may lead me to prioritize relationships over others...

Don't get me wrong. I really feel God is in work in me, and for once, I felt once again that God is taking control, far from the days I embroiled myself in serious sin. But right now I am at the crossroads. I do sense that God is telling me something -- the verse from Joshua 24:14 keeping ringing in my ears. "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

I still do not know what this means.

To readers of this blog, please pray for me. I want to really serve the Lord in a way that would make me feel at home, and once and for all, make me feel empowered, without limits, without hindrances, only God Himself.

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Fight the good fight of faith

People of God

Unstained and without reproach

Before the eyes of men

Run the good race, O sons

Of the most high

And inherit the crown of life

from the Lord Jesus Christ!

Silence

2010-03-02T00:12:00.003+08:00

The past few days have seen me again at it with my vocation discernment program with the Jesuits, as I found myself attending the open houses and reconnecting with close friends.

Being involved in these activities again somehow raised a few issues about how I view myself to be in the future, as well as what are the things I think I should prepare for as the crossroad gets near month after month. As of this morning, internship is 61 days away, as well as more than 6 exams to be passed.

There is this one thing I would want to meditate upon: silence.

Whenever I feel comfortable during a gathering, I become talkative. Until I begin to realize that my words do not make sense anymore. It is as if I were a tape machine that suddenly got haywire. All of a sudden I realize that egos are being stepped on, insults are inadvertently hurled, and people begin to hurt. And most painful of all, it was over in a matter of seconds. The damage has been done.

Jesus was right in saying that what makes a man clean is not that which enters the mouth, but what comes out of it. The fact that I encounter these problems proves that there still exists within me a spiritual symptom I need to consult to God. Something that I suspect is borne from my past experiences, but more importantly, of how I think of others.

But there is a part of me that tells me that attributing one's defects to one's past is something given, something to be assumed. I do believe in willpower, and how that could help the human soul control its ways of self-expression. The best way is to impose silence on oneself.

Last Saturday, I had breakfast with my friends at the Jesuit Prenovitiate. It appeared that that hour fell within their daily dose of silence. Although at first, something within me was tugging me to make a sound, I soon realized how silence seems to fortify one's ability to recognize God's existence in all things. It showed me how it is to thank God for the food to be eaten, the tastes to be enjoyed.

God makes me remind myself of a lot of things recently. That I have to be careful with my words. And love others as I love God, with the words I use to communicate with them.

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"The God of Silence beckons me to journey to my heart, where He awaits
O Lord I hear You calling tenderly
To seek You as I gaze
At the beauty of Your Face I cannot see."
--God of Silence, Bukas Palad

New Blog Skin

2010-02-02T17:40:00.002+08:00

The blog has been redesigned, but it still keeps its blue color. There have been things that have been deleted from my past template, including my links. Losing the links roll is such a pain, for I have accumulated such contacts through years of blogging. Oh well. I will need time to collect them again. Please be patient.

Thank you for reading Meditations.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

The Struggle to Learn and to Believe

2010-01-31T19:38:00.003+08:00

It has been more than a month since I last posted here, the time in between being I was posting in my Spanish blog. I was hoping I could get to improve my Spanish by leaps and bounds, but it appears that learning a language isn't so. One has to really adjust with one's own abilities, and how one learns something new.

I have to come to this realization that there are really things that would enable you to speak your mind better. I have hoped that speaking another language would help me learn a new way of thinking about myself and the world. I realized I was wrong in thinking that I could accelerate the process. Although new knowledge would add up upon itself, there would always be things that would serve as the foundation of this. Writing in English would be one of them. After all, I have grown to write in English, and it is in this language that I express my intellectual self the best.

But then, English is the language of the mind, Spanish the language of the soul. I have been reading poems in Spanish, and truth be told, Spanish for me is still a better medium for expressing deeper thoughts. I am still in the process of learning it, because I believe Spanish would enable me to write about so much more, and go down into the soul so much deeper. I still think English can only do so much. I don't know if it is in the sounds of English, or the musicality of Spanish that each language derives their respective distinctive traits. But my soul yearns for a deeper manner of self-expression.

Right now I will have to settle with getting understood, because, thanks to those Americans who erased our Hispanic culture, most of my readers here in the Philippines won't get to understand the depth that I may achieve with Spanish when I do learn to write with it well. Depth, in this sense, would not have a point.

Let me get on with another important matter of meditation for me.

There are things that I am trying to work through within my mind right now, and one of them seems to cross through my beliefs already. I have kept this blog as a repository of thoughts which I considered to be part of a religious calling, both as hopefully, a source of inspiration for others, and, as a way for me to remind myself of what I was and what I may be become. However, there have been things I am trying to sort through.

Slowly, I feel that such religious fervor has been distancing itself from my subconscious for quite a number of weeks now. There have been times that I even stopped singing to Mass songs while in church, and just whispering the responses. I don't know if this is related to what I would call a struggle to better understand my faith and what it impulses me to do. One of my friends, to which I confided about my religious feelings before, had been asking me about God's love and forgiveness. He was, and I think he still is, feeling something like I am feeling right now. I don't know if this would give me assurance that at last I know how exactly how he feels, because it has brought me both good and bad things in my life.

Good, because I was brought up not doing things for the sake that these may be sin, or these may run counter to what my faith has taught me. Studying medicine, however, and how some topics within the field of bioethics taught me about how an action would be considered immoral by how it affects others and how it affects the self. I don't know, but I figure this may have tempted me to discover things for myself, and not act prudishly and avoid these altogether. This may wreak havoc on me, but I am still praying that God act as a safety belt in this spiritual rappel that I am doing. There exists within men an urge to experience adventure. I guess this may be what's happening.

Good, also, because, well, I don't know whether this sense of religiosity (I would dare say over-religiosity) has distanced me from common sense, or of my self-confidence, or of being listened to by other people. Remember that these aren't necessarily true, but these are things that I continue to consider. I felt too naive, too childlike, too gullible and too avoidant of what the world has to offer.

But bad, because I do miss my religious experiences, getting that unexpressable high after praying in the chapel. Or after serving in church.

Serving in church had become a daunting task because of an event that turned for the worst. I won't share this in the blog; the closest people in my life have known what happened and I am happy they have understood my choice to distance myself. Maybe this has even affected my faith life, and why I am in this in the first place. I don't know. I am praying for maturity, and for this person to understand that I will not be belittled and be angered no more.

I am still praying to God that He preserve me from anything that could hinder me from continuing this journey, or anything that could halt the journey prematurely. Needless to say, I am not ready to die. I still wear my scapular and miraculous medal, with the hope that Mary's love for me would never change. Although I have chosen to continue the journey differently, I still recognize the fact that it is leading me to something that I still don't know. I am still praying, but neither am I denying myself of the things that would make me human.

Someday, I know I could pray to God with the language that I am trying to teach my soul. I am already starting to try.

San Ignacio de Loyola, ruega por mí.

My First Video Blog Post

2009-12-20T12:39:00.002+08:00

Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

Clarity

2009-12-08T10:15:00.005+08:00

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Today is the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, and to mark this very important date I went to Mass and confessed, although unfortunately I wasn't able to receive communion. Maybe later today.

I consider this solemnity personally significant because of the fact that if it weren't for Mary's intercession, I wouldn't be here today. My mother prayed hard to the Blessed Virgin to stop her abnormal vaginal bleeding which would have jeopardized the pregnancy that was to be me. She was due for dilatation and curettage, had it not been due to Mary's help. Just a day before the schedule, the bleeding stopped. Since this event particularly refers to the process of conception, I really pray to Mary in her title as the Immaculate Conception.

Through the years that I have spent learning about Mary in Catholic school, what never escaped my curiosity is her Immaculate Conception. I just eventually resigned that this was to be a matter of faith, but this does reveal about how much we need to pattern our lives on hers. Although Mary was conceived without sin, Catholic doctrine teaches us that she lived also without sin, through the grace of God. Human as she is, God's grace enabled her to live such an exemplary life to merit all these titles we now appell to her.

All through this week, I have been defeated by my human weakness, as I saw myself falling from sin to sin to sin. Despite my being obstinate in doing my own way, Mary was still at my door, smiling at me, gently reminding me of the eternal things I should be saving up for, instead of temporary pleasures. This taught me that no matter what, like that of an ideal mother, Mary never cares about how much we sinned, she still loves us, as she loves her Son.

Inay, ipagdasal niyo po ako. Please pray for me, my Mother.

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The past weeks saw me getting addicted to one of those American medical-oriented evening shows: Scrubs. It showed me a lot of the things I was struggling to get used to about being a doctor-in-training. Not to mention the fact that I identify myself very much with its main protagonist, John Dorian, who likes to daydream and is not what one would stand out as a medical doctor in terms of knowledge, but as one in terms of compassion with patients. Apparently he has been the butt of jokes throughout his life, and has gotten used to with not being "in", but he has chosen to accept these facts of life and move on with making rewarding relationships.

He has his best friend Turk, a surgeon, and his girlfriend Elliot to count on when things go down. Despite not being that popular in my immediate circle, I am happy that I have friends to count on myself. And one of my best friends is really bent on surgery, why, he even considers himself one of the black boys who rap.

I just wonder if I will have my own Elliot someday.

The show is currently on its ninth season, where JD has now become a medical school professor. There it is again. I love teaching, and I imagine myself teaching in medical school every time.

I do look forward to becoming a doctor myself, and I'm excited to see my life unfold as in that way that JD's did.

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I am currently praying for clarity, for I am currently exploring another aspect of my religious calling. Please pray for me.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

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image credits: http://www.aquinasandmore.com/images/items/13597lg.jpg; http://image3.examiner.com/images/blog/wysiwyg/image/scrubs(9).jpg

Unfading

2009-11-28T02:28:00.002+08:00

Lk 21:29-33

Jesus told his disciples a parable.
“Consider the fig tree and all the other trees.
When their buds burst open,
you see for yourselves and know that summer is now near;
in the same way, when you see these things happening,
know that the Kingdom of God is near.
Amen, I say to you, this generation will not pass away
until all these things have taken place.
Heaven and earth will pass away,
but my words will not pass away.”

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Today's Gospel tells us about the permanence of God's words, how, despite the changing generations, times, and prevailing cultures, the Word of God does not fade away.

Just this afternoon as I was about to attend mass, I was praying for guidance for my upcoming exams in internal medicine when a question suddenly struck me: how should I love the Lord? He has been there all along, in my sinfulness, and in the times I recognized Him enough to avoid sinning. In the times I have been confused about life, and the choices I make. In the times I groaned and shouted expletives at difficult circumstances that found my way through the years.

He has been there. I believe that, in one of my prayers He told me He will always be there. And He never failed me. But I fail Him. And this is what my heart, when fully awake and cognizant of this, makes me want to shed tears for.

My friend, whom I'll call Francis here, asked me about God's faithfulness, no matter our sinfulness is. I just told him that He is a forgiving God.

A forgiving God, enough that He still allows me to live, and to work so that, in the future, I may come to serve Him in the way that He wants for me.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

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picture credit: http://mchristi.wso.net/fig_tree2.jpg

Assisting at Anointing

2009-11-26T02:06:00.003+08:00

I just assisted at anointing one of my patients, who presented at the emergency department with a very poor prognosis. Unresponsive to all of the stimuli I tried to rouse her from sleep, and her pupils not responsive to light, she looked as if death were waiting around the corner.

Since I started rotating in the hospital as a clinical clerk, in other words a junior doctor, the phenomenon of death has never failed to perplex me. It seems so fast as it comes, snatching life out of those whom it calls to. I once had another patient who, after being suctioned of his phlegm through his breathing tube, suddenly became agitated and died. Death is as scary as it is abrupt, all that has been with the person is now over. The heart stops, the eyes cease to respond to light, the breathing stops, and the blood pressure goes down to 0/0.

It is not a comfortable feeling to have one of your own patients die.

I have often been exposed to death as though it were something to be expected, something after which, life could go on for the rest of us in the hospital. Back to work. No debriefings. No processing sessions. Just getting back to work. One still has other patients to work on. One still needs to study. One still needs to go on, move on.

I have not gotten used to it though. There is still a part of me that wants to grieve.

My friend TJ, a Jesuit novice, once asked me how we medical professionals manage to cope with witnessing death. I told him there is no single way.

I imagine myself suffering with the family, and the dying patient as my own flesh and blood. This brings tears to my eyes, in part, because this person has been loved and cared for by his family and loved ones.

I cry. I slowly realize that all that this world has to offer has its end. And I slowly get reminded to work for riches that will at least earn me a place in heaven. Or, to put it more altruistically, to work so that I can help other people earn their respective places in heaven too.

Witnessing death may have caused me sadness. But if I were to look at death as a path towards life eternal, I ought to feel that death is also an opportunity for those living to realize how we should make the best out of the life that has been given us.

Assisting at this morning's anointing just made me realize this: God is still calling me to do greater things than this.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

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Picture credit: http://www.stblase.org/images/sacraments_images/anointing.jpg

Holy Perseverance

2009-11-25T07:35:00.004+08:00

Lk 21:12-19

Jesus said to the crowd:
“They will seize and persecute you,
they will hand you over to the synagogues and to prisons,
and they will have you led before kings and governors
because of my name.
It will lead to your giving testimony.
Remember, you are not to prepare your defense beforehand,
for I myself shall give you a wisdom in speaking
that all your adversaries will be powerless to resist or refute.
You will even be handed over by parents,
brothers, relatives, and friends,
and they will put some of you to death.
You will be hated by all because of my name,
but not a hair on your head will be destroyed.
By your perseverance you will secure your lives.”

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"Kailan ba matatapos ang kabaliwang ito? (When will all this madness end?)" I exaperatedly sighed upon arriving at home after a tiring tour of duty as a student psychiatrist on duty for the past 24 hours. I had seen 3 patients who have been sent to the emergency room for ingestion of toxic substances, silver jewelry cleaner and moth balls among others. I have also seen a woman who has been taking drugs, which have triggered her schizophrenia. Interviewing her was a challenge, and I risked being shouted at by this patient.

Stress. Today's lifestyle demands much of our time than before, and medicine is definitely not an exception. Today's Gospel reminds us of the importance of the things that God given us, the responsibilities He has entrusted us. And to do them, not just because we need to finish them, but because it is our purpose in life to be faithful to what God is calling us to do.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

The Best I Have

2009-11-23T18:39:00.004+08:00

Lk 21:1-4

When Jesus looked up he saw some wealthy people
putting their offerings into the treasury
and he noticed a poor widow putting in two small coins.
He said, “I tell you truly,
this poor widow put in more than all the rest;
for those others have all made offerings from their surplus wealth,
but she, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood.”

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It has been more than 3 months since my last post at this blog. All along my blogging hiatus, two readers have signified interest in following my posts, and thank you very much. But I now think it is time to start anew, and while things in medical clerkship are beginning to be more manageable, more time for meditation has to be done. God only desires the best out of us.

Today's Gospel tells us of how God appreciates those who are willing to give their all to Him, like the widow who unselfishly gave all the coins she had, two of them. How much am I willing to give? Is it only the surplus? Am I ready to give all my life right now, and let God take care of the consequences?

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To update all those who have been reading this blog during my blogging hiatus, I am now in my fourth year in medical school and have just braved through clinical clerkships in the following departments: obstetrics-gynecology, anesthesiology, emergency medicine, surgery, internal medicine, and now, neurology and psychiatry. It has been a very stressful stage in my life, and it has allowed me to reflect on different ways I handle stress, responsibilities, and relationships. For the latter, this would not mean only relationships with other people, but also with God. even now, I find myself struggling to pray, and use prayer as a way to counteract the negative energies that stress in medical school is giving me. I haven't been attending church in the same way that I have been before. And habits are beginning to form once more, habits that I have always wanted to be under my control.

I felt God was there all along, silently goading me on and reassuring me that there is something greater to this chaos I am being forced to brave through. But there was a feeling of emptiness, that I tried to fill with all my human, therefore frail, strength. God proved to me once more He is more than anything I could ever muster. And I am just to happy to hear His voice and listen to what He wants me to do.

There are three things that my confessor told me about getting back on the road, and giving time for meditating everyday experiences: praying to God not to put his graces to waste, praying for the grace to do three things better, and praying:

Lord, help me get back on track.

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I have a patient to accompany to CT Scan in five minutes. Gotta rush.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

Lining Up for Cory

2009-08-06T00:54:00.003+08:00

I had to write this so I will always remember. And it's not because I will soon forget, but because every single detail of what happened that night deserves to be written for the next generation. It may be a mere quarter of a day, but it will be one of the most meaningful 6 hours of my life.

After a joint fraternity-sorority activity at the College of Medicine yesterday night, I was still deciding whether to push through with my plans to visit the wake of former President Cory on her last night at the Manila Cathedral. The activity ended almost past 8 and I had worries about arriving late at home. I was told that there were no classes the next day for duty clerks anyway, but still, I only had very little idea how long will lining up for the public viewing take.

"Bakit ka ba pupunta sa burol? Sino ba siya sa iyo? (Why are you off to the wake? Who is she to you?)" These were questions that friends posed when I showed my keen interest to attend the last night of the wake. I simply told them that I felt it was a personal duty, a patriotic duty, to salute to this most cherished figure of Philippine democracy. My "patriotic" feelings were even questioned, almost insultingly at one point, but I carried on. I had to see Cory that night.

Childhood memories of watching Cory's speeches and appearances accompanied my conflicting thoughts, of whether to go or to retire for the night. Recalling images of her amid crowds of jubilant Filipinos after the victory of the People Power Revolution of 1986, and remembering the stories of my parents who actively flashed their Laban signs and joined the rest of that EDSA crowd were enough to steel my resolve. I knew my parents would want to see Cory, but this time, fate allowed me to carry out this obligation instead.

Yes, I felt it was an obligation. The freedoms we enjoy today, albeit abused and misused now; we owe it to her. I felt I had to give her one last salute. I wanted to thank her.

Carrying my bag rammed full of medical instruments, stash, books and empty forms, I joined the rest of the yellow-clad passengers who were riding on that jeepney in front of the Manila Central Post Office at Liwasan. The barker was shouting, "Yung kay Cory! Sakay na!" I wished I had worn a yellow shirt as well, but I just redid my yellow ribbon above my nameplate. Apparently, I was the only medical student in full all-white uniform on the way to Manila Cathedral.

"Hanggang anong oras po ba yung burol? (Uo to what time will the wake be?)" I asked one of the passengers. They had different answers. One said until 9pm, to which I panicked, for it was almost 8:15pm. Later, I heard that the viewing would be until 4am. I sighed in relief while I alighted the jeep and walked towards the Cathedral, with some elderly folk on their way as well. "Sabay ka na sa amin, (Come with us)" one of them invited me.

At that point, I noticed that Aduana Street had been barricaded. Booths in front of the Cathedral have been set up, many of them water stations. There was a freedom wall. Most of us were looking for the line for the public viewing, and found one line which looked just like that. I then joined the rest of the growing undirected crowd to the end of that line, whereupon someone in uniform told us that the real line is at the back of the Cathedral. I still had patience to walk and find the real line, despite the fact that I had not eaten dinner yet.

God had plans for me that night, I realized. Soon after walking with the rest of that redirected group of people, one of my friends in YFC, along with his dorm mates, greeted me. I was too happy to see someone with whom I can share this experience. I was already imagining how I could make this journey alone, and I thanked God for the friends He sent there to make the journey lighter.

Lighter indeed, for as I realized, the real line stretched the whole street adjacent to the Cathedral, winded down into more than 4 other streets, and ended at the section of the Wall fronting the other side of Intramuros. We were indeed facing a tough journey ahead. With free bags of Almond Kisses given out to those who came to see Cory that night, my friend Thor, his dorm mates and I made our way towards the end of the line. When we did see the end of the line, people were rushing to secure their places. We chose to secure our places with less rush and effort. We'll need more energy, I thought.

The line did not advance right away, for just as I and my friends met, the 8pm Mass for Cory was being held, and I figured dignitaries were being ushered out before the wake was to be opened for public viewing. As such, it seemed the wait was to be forever. We decided to pray the Rosary. Only then did we realize the line advancing. But more miracles, so to speak, were bound to happen.

"Yung pilotong may dala-dalang bomba noon, ihuhulog niya sana sa mga taong nasa EDSA, andun kaming lahat nagdadasal, mayaman man o mahirap, nung nakita niya kaming lahat, umatras siya, (A pilot who carried bombs on his plane was ordered to drop them on the EDSA crowd, we were all there praying, rich or poor, and when he saw all of us there, he retreated)" one of our companions at that line told us about what happened during that fateful event in 1986. She emphasized how much that event equalized Filipinos from all walks of life, and told her how proud she was that people of my generation were here at this line with her to experience a taste of being at EDSA in 1986. True enough, rich or poor were coming over, extending the already circuitous and much-congested line for the public viewing. People visibly without any means even to eat for that day were joining the march with people wearing jackets of Poveda, Ateneo and La Salle, and holding posh cameras and cellular phones. It was a touching sight.

The line again stopped, but the drizzle, already wetting the streets and rendering them slippery, became hard rain. We began to feel concerned. I had not brought my jacket, just an umbrella. I even consoled myself with the fact that my extra scrub suit could make for a fine replacement for my wet uniform when the weather becomes drier. Already wet and starting to shiver, four of us decided to get close together, lest the hard rain separate us amongst the already stressed crowd. I honestly did not know how worse can this situation become, until voices grew little by little. The Rosary was being said again. And this time, by more people.

We started praying again. The rain started to become more of a storm. A flood was slowly forming. Someone tripped into an open floodway, but thankfully was OK. People were rushing as the line advanced faster as expected, but with this heavy downpour. My clothes, my friends' clothes, everyone was wet. As we passed by the campus of Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila, the Rosary almost over, we still needed to boost our morale to continue on. Already, we have seen people leaving. But the majority, undaunted, continued to pray. My friends consoled themselves thinking that this is a way for us Filipinos to realize how much God has to purify us.

Things were getting better again, and the rain stopped, but the stage has been set for greater forms of expressing their love and faith in God, in Mary and in Cory. They began to sing, "We pray for our country, the land of our birth, we pray for our nations that peace be on earth," then afterwards being punctuated by the familiar refrain of Ave Maria. A repertoire of a whole songbook must have been sung by everyone in that part of the line that night, for not long after Ave Maria, we have been singing Mass songs, songs to Mary, and patriotic hymns: Bayan Ko, Pilipinas Kong Mahal and Ako ay Pilipino (My Country, My Love the Philippines, I Am A Filipino). It made me very proud to be Filipino, for this culture we are best known for - bayanihan - was readily seen and demonstrated that night.

We continued singing and took turns in starting songs. I was overwhelmed when there were times that I started to sing aloud when we felt we were running out of songs to sing, and the crowd supplying the next lines. We are indeed a nation of singers.

Before we knew it, the long line was being led into the Cathedral itself already. My friends and I were a bit nervous, and growing curious too, as to how Tita Cory now looked like after that yearlong bout with colon cancer. When I saw her immensely emaciated, and virtually unrecognizable (I even asked myself if this still was Tita Cory), I was shocked. This shock later led me to realize, that being a future physician, I have a great responsibility in my hands. For leaders, even the heroes we idolize and strive to imitate, fall at the hands of death, in its different forms. And in Tita Cory's case, it was cancer.

I struggled to shake off my shock, which has almost become that of a haunting.

As we made our way out of the Cathedral, we then decided to eat, and give ourselves a pat in the back. It was already almost 4 AM, almost 6 hours after starting the long journey. We already saw Cory and paid our last respects to such a great symbol of that constant struggle for freedom.

But then, we noticed the Freedom Wall, and, wanting to somehow involve my whole family in the patriotic duty I have just accomplished, I then wrote with all heart,

"MARAMING SALAMAT PO PRES. CORY, WE LOVE YOU! Lopez Family (Jimmy, Babes, Jim, Tin, John, Thom, Jam)"

We then parted and went on to our separate ways, exhausted, but content, for we became witnesses to history, and surely, this will always be something we will never allow to forget.

0050

6 Aug 2009

Image credits: http://www.ellentordesillas.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/cory-aquino2.jpg

A Journey Full of Surprises

2009-03-15T01:08:00.003+08:00

Br. Jing Porcia, SJ; and friends Dane Sacdalan and Mykey Cuento during last year's Vow Day at the Sacred Heart Novitiate, Quezon City. I took this picture.

I found one of these pictures of what was my first time setting foot at the Jesuit novitiate almost a year ago. This immediately called to mind one of the things I had been thinking about all the while as I continue trying to know about God's call. If I choose this way of life I will have to die with it. The other way may be true about marriage, but I don't know which will be more attractive in the future.

Some of the posts I have written here have spoken about my yearning for family life in the future. Recent events, however, have led me to think twice about concluding prematurely what God's plans may be. I, as for now, am not sure yet what the Lord holds for me. He gives me pleasant surprises about myself.

Like how, for the past 5 months, there lies within an insatiable urge to study Spanish, and not rest until I converse like a native. I just chatted with a friend from Venezuela who incidentally shares my strange name Jaifred. Before that, I completed typing a reviewer that I had hoped will help me remember the notoriously difficult verb conjugations. Chatting with the Venezuelan Jaifred, however, reminded me that I still have to study more. Despite the fact that this person is almost 7 years my junior, chatting with him felt like attending an online lecture in Spanish. Not few of my replies merited this remark, "Tienes in error, ¡te rias! You are wrong, and I'm laughing at you!"

This is quite a test of both diligence and acting in accordance to a strange yet seemingly God-given urge to learn more and study more. I suspect that the Spanish language will be instrumental in my future.

I have even included writings of St. Alberto Hurtado amongst the things I read to broaden my vocabulary and practice my pronunciation. It is quite a personal achievement to hear oneself speaking and reading in another language. I have to admit that I pray to him for guidance in my discernment, as well as in my learning Spanish.

To those who get the access in reading this post, please continue to pray for me. God isn't done with me yet.

Estoy acalorado por Su sorpresa proxima.
I can't wait for His next surprise.

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San Alberto Hurtado, ayudame a saberla y hacerla a voluntad de Dios.

Back to Visiting Arvisu

2009-03-11T10:10:00.005+08:00

San Alberto Hurtado Cruchaga, SJ (1901-1952, Chile)

I only have a number of minutes to compose this entry, I am actually in an Internet zone in the hospital where I could access my Blogger account more conveniently, for free. Good thing I have a laptop to use.

As some of the hispanoblantes have noted, I posted in my Spanish blog my visit to Arvisu, the prenovitiate house of the Philippine Jesuits in Quezon City. It was one of their open houses last Monday.

Admittedly though, I still find the difficulty of expressing myself fully in Spanish, because, beneath the simple words that I have typed in there, there lies a feeling of immense happiness and the yearning to seek Christ in everything I do, again. I think I have to write in English just to share how happy I really am right now.

Throughout the day there was an intense feeling within me, as we Filipinos call "kaba," throughout the hours preceding my visit. All the while I seem to palpitate, while listening to some downloaded material (a sermon in Spanish from St. Alberto Hurtado, SJ, the Chilean advocate of social justice) and thinking about God's will.

While on the way, many questions were in my mind. How is Arvisu, and how were the people now? It had been six months since my last visit. How are the friends to whom I have confided some reasons why I did not paid them a visit at an earlier time? How is my faith? Am I still called?

The visit somehow gave me insights on my own spiritual journey and how my questions can be answered. The visit did not directly give me the answers, but somehow paved the way for me to realize and meditate possible answers. I am still continuing to pray that I may always think of God, and how to please Him in others. Notwithstanding the roadblocks I encounter along the way.

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Saint Alberto Hurtado, pray for us.

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picture credit: http://www.csgabriel.edu.ec/aulav/file.php/69/hurtado.jpg

Another Blog...

2009-01-24T22:46:00.002+08:00

...this time in Spanish.

This is part of an effort to really expand my horizons and enable me to reach out to as many people as possible. I haven't really studied Spanish for a long time, as will be shown by the errors I commit when I write in it, but hopefully, I will soon be more comfortable writing my meditations in Spanish as well as in English.

To access my new Spanish blog, El Viajero Plácido, please click here.

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Saint Alberto Hurtado, pray for us.

"Let Your Light Shine"

2009-01-05T01:45:00.004+08:00

Gospel
Mt 2:1-12

When Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea,
in the days of King Herod,
behold, magi from the east arrived in Jerusalem, saying,
“Where is the newborn king of the Jews?
We saw his star at its rising
and have come to do him homage.”
When King Herod heard this,
he was greatly troubled,
and all Jerusalem with him.
Assembling all the chief priests and the scribes of the people,
He inquired of them where the Christ was to be born.
They said to him, “In Bethlehem of Judea,
for thus it has been written through the prophet:
And you, Bethlehem, land of Judah,
are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
since from you shall come a ruler,
who is to shepherd my people Israel.”
Then Herod called the magi secretly
and ascertained from them the time of the star’s appearance.
He sent them to Bethlehem and said,
“Go and search diligently for the child.
When you have found him, bring me word,
that I too may go and do him homage.”
After their audience with the king they set out.
And behold, the star that they had seen at its rising preceded them,
until it came and stopped over the place where the child was.
They were overjoyed at seeing the star,
and on entering the house
they saw the child with Mary his mother.
They prostrated themselves and did him homage.
Then they opened their treasures
and offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
And having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod,
they departed for their country by another way.

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First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I am glad that this blog, as well as the urge to write in it safely passed through the end of 2008. I am very glad to write this first entry for the year 2009.

Today's Gospel tells us of how God makes ways just for His Will to be done.

I remember reading Bo Sanchez's thoughts about eventually desiring what God wills for you. I think that today's Gospel clearly shows that.

For the past days, in between the seemingly interminable slumber I have subjected myself to throughout my Christmas break, I somehow remembered how hectic I have allowed myself to be.

I somehow realized how I have to find Christ in my heart. Where is He? Where is the LOVE I am so yearning and with many ways I have attempted to seize for myself?

I have realized that it is a longing that would be so much as to make curious astrologers reach and follow a wondrous star so tenaciously.

Lord, help me to follow my own star. Amen

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Saint Francis Xavier, help me to shine my own light. Amen.

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photo: http://www.cresourcei.org/images/epiphany.jpg

A Month After

2008-12-22T12:03:00.004+08:00

Lk 1:26-38

The angel Gabriel was sent from God
to a town of Galilee called Nazareth,
to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph,
of the house of David,
and the virgin’s name was Mary.
And coming to her, he said,
“Hail, full of grace! The Lord is with you.”
But she was greatly troubled at what was said
and pondered what sort of greeting this might be.
Then the angel said to her,
“Do not be afraid, Mary,
for you have found favor with God.

“Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son,
and you shall name him Jesus.
He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High,
and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father,
and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever,
and of his kingdom there will be no end.”
But Mary said to the angel,
“How can this be,
since I have no relations with a man?”
And the angel said to her in reply,
“The Holy Spirit will come upon you,
and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.
Therefore the child to be born
will be called holy, the Son of God.
And behold, Elizabeth, your relative,
has also conceived a son in her old age,
and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren;
for nothing will be impossible for God.”
Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord.
May it be done to me according to your word.”
Then the angel departed from her.

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Now it's getting longer. I only thought I would be putting my blogging on hold for only a while, but as I discovered astonishingly, I wasn't able to blog for more than a month. Academics have been very stressful, inner issues have been coming to the fore, and the business has to be given attention.

I also discovered such inner aspirations within me that I am now consciously making an effort to reach. I am now trying to learn Spanish, and I am really hoping I could get a good hold onto the the language well enough for me to write with it. I am really planning to blog in Spanish. It is connected with my long-term plans, which, religious or not, will be a great help for a future career either in business, medicine, or even religious life.

Speaking of religious life, recently I am praying for the grace to experience God in another form of religious life. I am not sure anymore whether living the religious life for me would entail having to profess vows of chastity, poverty and obedience, but I am praying for the grace to consecrate my life to God either alone or with someone else. I am praying that somehow, the year ahead will shed light on what God wants for me. Please continue to pray for me.

I have been using an audio version of the Rosary in Spanish, listening to it whenever I would want to shut off the environment around me to meditate. I love how the Spanish language makes the divine connection so real and intimate. At this point I still can't share the things I'm hearing (I'm not yet well-versed with the grammar) but on-the-spot, when I hear the meditations, I can only shed tears at how profound Mary's message gets.

You may access this website to experience God and Mary through the MP3 Rosary in Spanish, Portuguese or Latin.

Mary said her powerful Yes to God. How can I say Yes to God?

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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picture credits: http://www.lesgabriels.com/annunciation-mid.jpg

Busy yet Blessed

2008-11-09T17:24:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone! It has been more than a month since I last posted and like anything I post here in this blog, let's start right.

Jn 2:13-22

Since the Passover of the Jews was near,
Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
He found in the temple area those who sold oxen, sheep, and doves,
as well as the money-changers seated there.
He made a whip out of cords
and drove them all out of the temple area, with the sheep and oxen,
and spilled the coins of the money-changers
and overturned their tables,
and to those who sold doves he said,
“Take these out of here,
and stop making my Father’s house a marketplace.”
His disciples recalled the words of Scripture,
Zeal for your house will consume me.
At this the Jews answered and said to him,
“What sign can you show us for doing this?”
Jesus answered and said to them,
“Destroy this temple and in three days I will raise it up.”
The Jews said,
“This temple has been under construction for forty-six years,
and you will raise it up in three days?”
But he was speaking about the temple of his Body.
Therefore, when he was raised from the dead,
his disciples remembered that he had said this,
and they came to believe the Scripture
and the word Jesus had spoken.

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Zeal for your house will consume me.

These words, at the very instant I read this Scripture passage draw me to how God's promises are fulfilled.

First let me start with how I am discerning my vocation. Through the two months that I have joined a particular business venture, my mindset has been to provide for my family and do everything in my power to build a stable foundation for my income.

But when I did consider about the future ahead, I suddenly realized that I don't think yet so far that being a priest would help me serve as many people as possible. My discernment draw me near to differing viewpoints that led me to a religious life in marriage.

I actually imagine myself getting married to the woman of my dreams, which so far I haven't met yet. I imagine her to be genuinely passionate for Christ, just as I am trying to be. Having discerned about the religious life too is a big plus!

I don't know yet what the future will bring. I can only exhort people following this blog to pray for me and help me make wise choices.

Why the particular sentence in the Gospel?

The zeal to recreate God's home in a family I can call my own is such a strong desire in my heart.

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Saint Giuseppe Moscati, pray for us.

Prayers from a Discerning Soul

2008-10-12T14:54:00.008+08:00

As I realized now, the three readings for today's Mass are verily appropriate to my current spiritual search. Let my prayers lead you to seek God's reassuring presence yourself. Let us pray together.

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Is 25:6-10a

On this mountain the LORD of hosts
will provide for all peoples
a feast of rich food and choice wines,
juicy, rich food and pure, choice wines.
On this mountain he will destroy
the veil that veils all peoples,
the web that is woven over all nations;
he will destroy death forever.
The Lord GOD will wipe away
the tears from every face;
the reproach of his people he will remove
from the whole earth; for the LORD has spoken.
On that day it will be said:
"Behold our God, to whom we looked to save us!
This is the LORD for whom we looked;
let us rejoice and be glad that he has saved us!"
For the hand of the LORD will rest on this mountain.

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My Lord and my God, how much have I put trust in You?

I have long told myself that I ought to offer my life to You, but sometimes, my feelings are giving me an impression that I am not in a good disposition to receive You.

When will I feel good about myself and being a discerner of Your Call?

At the end of the day, will I still be able to feel You? Your Presence sustains me, and nourishes my soul. When will circumstances be under my control so I may direct my time and effort to contemplate on Your love, virtues and revelations? Or when shall I be led by Your Spirit to see You in my own circumstances, not needing anymore extra time to meditate?

When shall I see You, in my everyday life?

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Phil 4:12-14, 19-20

Brothers and sisters:
I know how to live in humble circumstances;
I know also how to live with abundance.
In every circumstance and in all things
I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry,
of living in abundance and of being in need.
I can do all things in him who strengthens me.
Still, it was kind of you to share in my distress.

My God will fully supply whatever you need,
in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
To our God and Father, glory forever and ever. Amen.

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Lord God, you have revealed to me recently a business venture that You have introduced to me at a time when my soul was sorrily downtrodden and on the verge of giving up.

You have inspired me to build my own character and business in a Spirit that is acceptable to You.

I offer You my efforts at building this business, so that my family may be able to enjoy living in abundance and share the gifts of Your generosity.

This is all for the ultimate goal of leaving everything in the future to serve You wholeheartedly, while fulfilling the needs of my family for material sustenance.

If it is Your Will, let it be so in Your Name.

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Mt 22:1-14 or 22:1-10

Jesus again in reply spoke to the chief priests and elders of the people
in parables, saying,
"The kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king
who gave a wedding feast for his son.
He dispatched his servants
to summon the invited guests to the feast,
but they refused to come.
A second time he sent other servants, saying,
‘Tell those invited: “Behold, I have prepared my banquet,
my calves and fattened cattle are killed,
and everything is ready; come to the feast.”’
Some ignored the invitation and went away,
one to his farm, another to his business.
The rest laid hold of his servants,
mistreated them, and killed them.
The king was enraged and sent his troops,
destroyed those murderers, and burned their city.
Then he said to his servants, 'The feast is ready,
but those who were invited were not worthy to come.
Go out, therefore, into the main roads
and invite to the feast whomever you find.’
The servants went out into the streets
and gathered all they found, bad and good alike,
and the hall was filled with guests.
But when the king came in to meet the guests,
he saw a man there not dressed in a wedding garment.
The king said to him, 'My friend, how is it
that you came in here without a wedding garment?'
But he was reduced to silence.
Then the king said to his attendants, 'Bind his hands and feet,
and cast him into the darkness outside,
where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.’
Many are invited, but few are chosen."

When will I have to stress myself to get more time to meditate? When will I have the comfort of not worrying how much time I have left in my schedule? What keeps me from fully placing all my cares on You?

Will I be able to offer my life to You in full? Will I have to die and spill my blood for the love of You?

At that last day, will I have the grace to wear the wedding garment?

Will I be called? But Lord, above all,

Will I be chosen?

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Burn within us, holy fire, so that chaste in body and pure of heart, we may deserve to see God.

Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.eat-online.net/english/artistic/images/vermeyen.jpg, http://www.transgrowthinc.com/images/iStock_Mountaintop.jpg, http://www.personal-development.info/images/AbundanceAttractingEFT.jpg

Job's Doubts Answered

2008-10-03T16:11:00.002+08:00

Jb 38:1, 12-21; 40:3-5

The LORD addressed Job out of the storm and said:

Have you ever in your lifetime commanded the morning
and shown the dawn its place
For taking hold of the ends of the earth,
till the wicked are shaken from its surface?
The earth is changed as is clay by the seal,
and dyed as though it were a garment;
But from the wicked the light is withheld,
and the arm of pride is shattered.

Have you entered into the sources of the sea,
or walked about in the depths of the abyss?
Have the gates of death been shown to you,
or have you seen the gates of darkness?
Have you comprehended the breadth of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all:
Which is the way to the dwelling place of light,
and where is the abode of darkness,
That you may take them to their boundaries
and set them on their homeward paths?
You know, because you were born before them,
and the number of your years is great!

Then Job answered the LORD and said:

Behold, I am of little account; what can I answer you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
Though I have spoken once, I will not do so again;
though twice, I will do so no more.

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I am sometimes very annoyed at my own personality. Really I am.

There are times when I feel very disappointed for myself. I am usually known by people close to me as outgoing, noisy and very alive. But I am not always like this. My classmates tend to see a different side of my personality: usually reserved, quiet and wearing a pensive, sometimes even sad, face.

Today's first reading tells us of how Job tried to think about God's purpose for His life, and how God responded to his doubts. How will I approach God? How will I know the answers to my questions in life?

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, help reveal to me the mystery of the purpose of life. Amen.

A Time to Pour Thoughts

2008-09-26T12:32:00.002+08:00

Eccl 3:1-11

There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every thing under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

What advantage has the worker from his toil?
I have considered the task that God has appointed
for the sons of men to be busied about.
He has made everything appropriate to its time,
and has put the timeless into their hearts,
without man’s ever discovering,
from beginning to end, the work which God has done.

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"He has made everything appropriate to its time,
and has put the timeless into their hearts,
without man’s ever discovering,
from beginning to end, the work which God has done."

People who have been reading my entries in the past say that I am "wordy" when I write. The constant attempt at improving one's writing style is indeed a lifelong journey, and I do not hesitate to take pride at how God has allowed my writing to evolve.

First of all, I am not what people would consider to be an accomplished writer. I have long tried my best to get into competitions, but to no avail. I would often write what I feel my soul drives me to write, often using more than one clause within a sentence to explain a point. Like what I just did.

Unlike most children my age, I was brought up sheltered within the confines of our home, enriched by the books made available to me. My siblings may have engaged in play more often; I often found myself practicing my handwriting or reading a good book instead. Throughout my childhood people would point at me as though I was from another planet.

Well, not entirely. I did play childhood games. I loved playing doctor, playing the traditional Filipino games taguan (hide and seek), patintero, tumbang preso, jackstone and marbles even, but took things sourly in defeat. Which was more frequent than usual.

I guess the time I would have spent practicing the skills necessary to win those games went to reading books. About different countries. About inventions. About religion. About Japanese and Korean writing. About music. About flags and geography. About history. About journalism. About medicine.

But I read not for the sake of passing exams or being able to answer teachers' questions. I loved to read because I wanted to know more. And I wanted to be a better person with the things I had the privilege to read about.

Just this morning I presented a case on cough, while my case partner discussed acute epiglottitis, an inflammatory condition affecting the epiglottis, that movable flap of cartilage supposedly protecting the airway from choking while swallowing.

I was asked questions to which I only grimaced in a vain attempt to answer them.

It is during these kind of moments when I am sometimes doubtful about whether I should have chosen medicine or not. After all, I was about to be a computer science professional, and I had planned to become a specialist in the organizing of various forms of information on the web. God may only have the answers, but I am still confused why I have to take up medicine.

It wasn't really an expected option: I chose Computer Science as my major and had only passed an accelerated medical course intended for people who checked a small box on my application form to enter the University of the Philippines. It was such an unexpected outcome that my scores in the admission test happened to make it to the cut-off. "Are you interested in an accelerated program leading to Medicine?" it said.

Nonetheless, I am still wondering why I seem to have a different take on various seemingly ordinary things. I am still wondering why I seem not able to join when my classmates have fun in each other's company. And I am still wondering why most of the group conversations I have been with others only involve me as an observer. I have seen only a few people sharing the varied interests I have, and they're very far from reach.

But despite my seemingly dysfunctional social behavior, I love sharing experiences and passions to the people I find myself most comfortable to be with. Somehow I feel I am still blessed because God has at least given me the chance to meet people tolerant enough of my mood changes.

Often whenever I write something about my personality and my personal struggles to address my self-issues, I expect myself to cringe after reading these entries in a month or so. I often expect telling to myself how emotional I have become and how mushy I write.

People who are often faced with various problems are usually told to increase their social interaction. But people aren't always comfortable with the people around them to upgrade their erstwhile low level of interaction with them. One cannot force and expect a particular person to warm up with the people he wouldn't ordinarily deal with. Somehow this is my struggle. I find some people not particularly favorable warming up to.

Which leads me to the vocation. I feel that if I am really called to ministry, I have to learn being a brother to all around me. Just as how a doctor should be a doctor to all*.

It will take both skill and prayers to really pull this off. I guess it is not an excuse to be overly conscious of how one feels comfortable with the people around him--for no matter how seemingly unfriendly the people around me be, if ever I become a priest, I must be a priest to all. I must be an example, a holy one, to all.

My previous blog posts all dwell on this particular theme: changing oneself to serve God better and prepare for responding to the call. I pray once again that with this attempt at further getting to know myself, I may learn to do things the right way one step at a time.

Burn within us, holy fire, so that, chaste in body and pure of heart, we may deserve to see God.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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*From an interview with a fraternity brod of mine, Dr. Ting Tiongco, a surgeon and social mobilizer from Davao. He just published his book Surgeons Do Not Cry, available at the University of the Philippines (UP) Press, chronicling his experiences as a UP medical student, hospital resident and young surgeon. Like most great people I have known personally, he is Jesuit-trained: finishing his elementary and high school years at the Ateneo de Davao and his pre-medical course at the Ateneo de Manila.

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Today is the feast day of Saints Cosmas and Damian, patrons of medicine. I pray for their intercession that they help us medical students and professionals increase our faith and perseverance in our journey towards becoming true healers with Christian character.

Have I Awaken Up?

2008-09-25T22:10:00.004+08:00

Lk 9:7-9

Herod the tetrarch heard about all that was happening,
and he was greatly perplexed because some were saying,
“John has been raised from the dead”;
others were saying, “Elijah has appeared”;
still others, “One of the ancient prophets has arisen.”
But Herod said, “John I beheaded.
Who then is this about whom I hear such things?”
And he kept trying to see him.

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Brothers and sisters, after so long I have posted once again here in this blog. And there are many reasons why I think I didn't make time writing to this beloved repository of my spiritual experiences, one of them is this: I was too desperate to find a quick solution to an already deepening sense of sorrow over some of my circumstances. I became addicted to a very selfish way of forgetting one's problems and experiencing pleasure in the things I see and imagine.

Nonetheless, despite the feeling of being able to substitute the urge for spiritual and emotional release for something of a more impure one, still it was those times that I wanted to cry, to talk to persons who would best understand the yearnings of my heart, something that only those with whom I share this vocation thing in common would quite understand well.

My yearning to be a priest suddenly obscured itself from my view. I knew it was still there within my heart during those trying, testing moments, but it was too within me to be extracted out so that I may extract from it likewise the strength to carry on. The pain needing to be quenched was quite too much for me to bear. I don't know how to express these things to others, because I have grown into adulthood with a notion of not exposing one's emotions too much. I did not like to be someone else's emotional burden. I deemed myself too unworthy of that.

That is why, too often I would just choose to keep quiet, and let everything run its due course. I refuse answering people asking me how things are going. I have such an expressive face--people instantly sense that something may be going on in me, but I try to dismiss their assumption as nonsense--after all, they shouldn't know me better than I do. Or do they?

I really appreciate the effort of people around me to make things feel better for me. But I don't know how I can ever repay them or at least show them the appreciation due them. I may smile to the point of leading others to tell me how exaggerated my smile is. But just this afternoon, while my classmates in hospital duty took our block picture, I smiled, but saw myself very differently from how I would see myself when I am ordinarily happy, excited, enthusiastic with what God has to offer for the next day ahead.

I really don't know how to look at myself recently. I am happy somewhat after rereading my entries here. But I thought about how even the greatest of saints struggled in their own spiritual droughts. I am praying for the grace to still hang on no matter what the circumstances may lead me to do. I think I have been given a snapshot of how it is to let go and not get hold of God's steering Hand. It was unimaginable, horrible, and very lonely. It may have given my inner passions a chance at being tried, being tested for what I thought was my own good. After all, many people may have tried more things than the things I myself have ever tried.

But is it the number of experiences that make us better people? Experience may be the best teacher, but what do those experiences teach us?

I still want to cry. For almost a month, two months even. I haven't shed a single tear in such a long time I wanted to cry out to God for help and despair. I yearn the embrace of people who truly care for what God does for people who strive to follow Him in the fullness of the priesthood He has bestowed upon His people.

I now attempt at listening to the music which has stirred my heart in the past and drove my eyes to shed tears of reflection, happiness and the ecstasy of hearing the voice that I perceive from God speaking within me. Nothing like that still happens, except that at least wonderful fact that I'm back at listening these prayers set to music.

Not the worldly noises, the depraved stories or the profane scenes of those days when I tried to quench that spiritual thirst with something else.

"John has risen from the dead." In fact, it was Jesus who made Himself known to the world around Him. People were actually thinking He was John the Baptist resurrected from the dead.

Honestly, it is quite hard for me to connect my personal sharing today with today's Gospel reading, something I usually do in my blog posts. I may have been given the first step to get out of that rut, but slowly I walk the water to Christ. Having enough faith to get me through and actually reaching Christ is another matter.

But I am really happy nonetheless that Jesus will be there to pick me up, as He did to His apostle Peter.

Burn within us, holy fire, so that chaste in body and pure in heart, we may deserve to see God.

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Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, pray for us.

Following Him Through His Cross

2008-09-01T00:01:00.004+08:00

Mt 16:21-27
Jesus began to show his disciples
that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer greatly
from the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes,
and be killed and on the third day be raised.
Then Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him,
“God forbid, Lord! No such thing shall ever happen to you.”
He turned and said to Peter,
“Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me.
You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do.”

Then Jesus said to his disciples,
“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world
and forfeit his life?
Or what can one give in exchange for his life?
For the Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father’s glory,
and then he will repay all according to his conduct.”

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I was in a mess for quite a number of days last week. My confusion over some things in school and within myself caused me to stumble a number of times--as a result, I wasn't able to attend daily Mass and even say my daily devotions.

The past few days saw me heavily burdened for a reason I cannot figure out even now. I pray to God that He give me clarity over how my spiritual life ought to be lived.

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Many of us have convictions we are very willing to fight and die for. The lives of the many martyrs we venerate in the Church are but examples of how men and women are willing to offer their lives for something they hold sacred and true. But how much are we passionate for the things we believe? Is it a healthy or a destructive passion?

This thought came to mind when I encountered comments from someone who insulted the Jesuit order and the Novus Ordo mass, concluding the Jesuits as "not Roman Catholic" and the Novus Ordo "useless."

The reasons for making such comments may still be debated upon, but the fact still remains that people have no right to judge and insult a Society which has produced canonized confessor and martyr saints, a Doctor of the Church and has espoused a very powerful form of spirituality. And the fact remains that people have no right to conclude that a particular approved rite of the Catholic Church is "useless."

Let us pray that God send His Spirit of love, unity and understanding within His Church.

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Take up my Cross and follow Me.

How much am I willing to suffer for the love of Christ?

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Saint Robert Bellarmine, defender of the Catholic faith, cardinal and Jesuit, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.gardenofpraise.com/images/jesu2b.jpg, http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/BDX/BDX341/judge-handing-down_~bxp64659.jpg, http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/pictures/2007/04/05/cross.jpg

Commitment to the Mission

2008-08-25T21:49:00.005+08:00

Mt 23:13-22

Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples:
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
You lock the Kingdom of heaven before men.
You do not enter yourselves,
nor do you allow entrance to those trying to enter.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
You traverse sea and land to make one convert,
and when that happens you make him a child of Gehenna
twice as much as yourselves.

“Woe to you, blind guides, who say,
‘If one swears by the temple, it means nothing,
but if one swears by the gold of the temple, one is obligated.’
Blind fools, which is greater, the gold,
or the temple that made the gold sacred?

And you say, ‘If one swears by the altar, it means nothing,
but if one swears by the gift on the altar, one is obligated.’
You blind ones, which is greater, the gift,
or the altar that makes the gift sacred?

One who swears by the altar swears by it and all that is upon it;
one who swears by the temple swears by it
and by him who dwells in it;

one who swears by heaven swears by the throne of God
and by him who is seated on it.”

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You may have heard about how fundamentalists have attacked the Church using the passages of today's Gospel.

In my country, fundamentalist numbers have grown through the years. I once remember crossing myself in one literary contest I joined, and one co-participant was shocked. He acted as though I had some contagious disease. "You're Catholic? Oh no."

The talk about Pharisees and other people of high rank within the Catholic Church can really fire up our brother and sister fundamentalists and bring on their attacks on the Catholic Church, making such claims like "the Pope is the antichrist," and, "you must be Born-Again."

I in fact have just read some comics from this illustrator who seems to specialize in writing against the Catholic Church. I quite remember reading one of their comics about "why is Mary crying," and I just read about how disparagingly their comics depict the Society of Jesus. I have yet to discover the Society from the inside (after all I am not one of them yet, and I am not sure if God will grant me the chance), but I have this to say about the things I read: I found them too preposterous to believe in. These writings can only come from a misunderstanding of what the Church and the Society of Jesus does and is missioned to do.

I personally believe that the way we look at other people can only be influenced by what we have experienced from them. If they are this hateful of our Church, I cannot but conclude that somehow they may have been at the receiving end of mistakes that some members of our Church have committed through the years.

Let us pray for the Spirit of Unity and Faith, that we may all be one, and that we may work to unite ourselves in Christ instead of working towards division and dissension.

The second part of the Gospel tells us about Pharisees crossing land and sea to make converts. We have no authority to judge people as whether they are like Pharisees or not, but this somehow must be clear to us: as we live our lives as Christians, do others see the Faith in us? Or do we further corrupt the world around us? My country was evangelized because of missionaries, as a result my nation is one of the two Christian nations in Asia (the other is East Timor). Not all missionaries are perfect, and history can only shudder at how some of them have done great disservice to the Church and to its newly-evangelized.

If we are sent to a mission, are we doing the right thing? Are we really committed?

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, grant that we may always stand for the Truth and for what God wants us to do for His greater glory. Amen.

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photo credits: http://www.lwbc.co.uk/Marks%20Gospel/pharisees.JPG, http://www.sundayschoolcourses.com/inq/friars.jpg

Going Out of the Comfort Zone

2008-08-19T00:16:00.004+08:00

Mt 19:16-22

A young man approached Jesus and said,
“Teacher, what good must I do to gain eternal life?”
He answered him, “Why do you ask me about the good?
There is only One who is good.
If you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.”
He asked him, “Which ones?”
And Jesus replied, “You shall not kill;
you shall not commit adultery;
you shall not steal;
you shall not bear false witness;
honor your father and your mother;
and you shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
The young man said to him,
“All of these I have observed. What do I still lack?”
Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go,
sell what you have and give to the poor,
and you will have treasure in heaven.
Then come, follow me.”
When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad,
for he had many possessions.

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It has been a while since I last posted. The grind of a medical student is beginning to take its toll on me, as we have begun seeing patients in the outpatient clinical department of the hospital and answering questions of our clinical consultants regarding the management of our patients.

Many things have been learned, and many weaknesses have once again come to the fore. Many sins have been committed, and many tears have been shed, all for the thirst and the desire to experience God in my everyday life. But at times He could be so far away so as to just feel Him only faintly in my life.

I value highly my feelings, but what is it in the heart? I know Christ is in my heart, but do I allow Him to make Himself known in the actions I make, in the words I say, and in the way I deliver care to my patients?

The picture above shows the living room at the Arvisu House Jesuit Prenovitiate, where I attended open house just hours ago. It was an enriching experience to talk with my friends in the prenovitiate, as well as my friends in the Society of Jesus. It also served as a respite from the immense stress of medical school.

God only knows what future role this house will play next in my life.

Today's Gospel on the rich man reminds me once again on the difficulty of following God's call. If I am indeed called to the religious life, I pray that even now, may the Lord grant me the strength to withstand the pressure of going out one's comfort zone, just to serve Christ in others.

Lord, may my whole life be an acceptable offering to You, and I pray that even if it entails the shedding of blood for Your Most Holy Name, grant that Your Will may dominate in how my lifetime will be spent on earth. In the name of Your Son Jesus I pray, Amen.

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Saint Alberto Hurtado and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.intheschoolofchrist.org/, http://jeffsj.multiply.com/photos/hi-res/85/4?xurl=%2Fphotos%2Fphoto%2F85%2F4 (courtesy of Br. Jeff Pioquinto, SJ)

Laudare, Benedicere, Praedicare

2008-08-09T12:43:00.004+08:00

Mt 16:24-28

Jesus said to his disciples,
“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world
and forfeit his life?
Or what can one give in exchange for his life?
For the Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father’s glory,
and then he will repay each according to his conduct.
Amen, I say to you, there are some standing here
who will not taste death
until they see the Son of Man coming in his Kingdom.”

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I have to admit that the hectic schedule of a medical student, an eldest son and a member of college-based organizations is beginning to take its toll on me. I believe that stress tends to weaken one's resistance not only from disease, but from temptation to yearn for something other than the joy that communion with Christ offers. As a result, I sin not only against God, but against others. Things aren't getting done, responsibilities not taken care of, duties not fulfilled.

This suddenly called to mind one of the saints I idolize: Saint Dominic. In dealing with his temptations he would rather hurl himself onto thorns or roll on snow to calm his raging impulses, than deal with the sinful consequences following temptation. In relating with today's Gospel, he would rather carry his cross as valiantly as possible. What thorns and snow do I have to hurl myself onto just to strengthen my resolve to carry on with my struggle to follow God with all heart?

The Dominican emblem illustrates the powerful charism granted to them by God: Veritas, laudare, benedicere, praedicare. To praise, bless and preach Truth. It is a charism that not only Dominicans are called to. This is a spirituality all Christians are called to do in their daily lives. How are we preaching God in the things we do? And, are our actions blessing and praising God?

I often choose the people I relate to about the things happening in my life. As a result, people in class, for instance, don't hear things coming out of my mouth much, just things about hospital and ward work.

So that leaves me with my actions as a way to share myself with others. I do pray that my actions will be able to testify my attempt at doing God's will. But somehow my imperfections come to the fore. I would not take the opportunity to explain myself why I still have imperfections, nor would I demand being understood in the context of my personal circumstances.

I would rather just pray that God would enable me to take this one step at a time.

Why do I expect things to go my way? When will I ever let God do His way?

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Saint Dominic de Guzman and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.bridgebuilding.com/images/mi409x.jpg, http://oneyearbibleimages.com/cross_follow.jpg, http://homepage.mac.com/jdalisay/blog/user_files/oblation.jpg, http://www.church-windows.com/images/Dominican%20Friars-8web.jpg

Jesuit Coincidences 1

2008-08-07T01:52:00.005+08:00

7:30 A.M., August 6, 2008

After receiving absolution from a very kindly secular priest (not affiliated with any religious clergy, i.e. diocesan priest) who always gives me practical advice on how to deal with my weaknesses and failures, I suddenly realized how through the years, his approach on life's problems is very similar to Ignatian spirituality.

Then it occurred to me, that my confessor, to whom I shared my problems through the three years I have been going to their parish for confession, is actually Jesuit-trained.

1:08 A.M., August 7, 2008

Logged into the Philippine Jesuits website. Then I see it: today is a special day for Jesuits, it is today in 1814 that the Society was restored after its suppression 41 years prior.

Oh, Ignatius, for the love of God, meddle with me further!

+ Ad majorem Dei gloriam!

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Sanctus Ignatiae Loyolis, ora pro nobis.

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photo credits:
http://www.church-windows.com/images/Society%20of%20Jesus-8web.jpg

Dryness

2008-08-07T01:26:00.001+08:00

Mt 17:1-9

Jesus took Peter, James, and his brother, John,
and led them up a high mountain by themselves.
And he was transfigured before them;
his face shone like the sun
and his clothes became white as light.
And behold, Moses and Elijah appeared to them,
conversing with him.
Then Peter said to Jesus in reply,
“Lord, it is good that we are here.
If you wish, I will make three tents here,
one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”
While he was still speaking, behold,
a bright cloud cast a shadow over them,
then from the cloud came a voice that said,

“This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased;
listen to him.”

When the disciples heard this, they fell prostrate
and were very much afraid.
But Jesus came and touched them, saying,
“Rise, and do not be afraid.”
And when the disciples raised their eyes,
they saw no one else but Jesus alone.

As they were coming down from the mountain,
Jesus charged them,
“Do not tell the vision to anyone
until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead.”

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Just this afternoon, while interviewing a patient in the Ear, Nose, Throat (ENT) Ward.

"Ma'am, nakararanas po ba kayo ng panunuyo ng mata?" Was our patient experiencing dryness of the eye? Our patient said no.

But lately, I wanted to reply to that same question to myself. Yes. I feel dry, but not in the eyes, thankfully. But, I feel dryness of the Spirit. Just as many who attempt to follow Christ, like how Blessed Teresa of Calcutta wrote in her diaries, like how Saint John of the Cross wrote about the darkness of the soul.

In medicine, dryness of the eye may lead to itching, and discomfort of the patient.

In light of today's Gospel, I pray that this dryness may lead me to a deeper longing of the reality that is Christ Jesus. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so they say. I firmly believe that God is deep within my heart, and He can never be absent from my life. But what keeps me blinded from feeling His Presence in my life? Like how you sent Ananias to give sight to the Apostle Paul, Lord Jesus, take away the scales from my eyes, and set me away from my lack of faith.

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Saints Paul and Ignatius of Loyola, pray that my inner yearning for Christ be satisfied. Amen.

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photo credits: http://www.markmallett.com /blog/wp-images/carl-bloch-transfiguration.jpg, http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/ae/ Ananias_restoring_the_sight_of_st_paul_(34663925).jpg/ 479px-Ananias_restoring_the_sight_of_st_paul_ (34663925).jpg, http://www.abideinchrist.com/missions/humulla22.jpg

If A Mule Would Do It, Why Wouldn't You?

2008-08-03T23:08:00.004+08:00

Mt 14:13-21

When Jesus heard of the death of John the Baptist,
he withdrew in a boat to a deserted place by himself.
The crowds heard of this and followed him on foot from their towns.
When he disembarked and saw the vast crowd,
his heart was moved with pity for them, and he cured their sick.
When it was evening, the disciples approached him and said,
“This is a deserted place and it is already late;
dismiss the crowds so that they can go to the villages
and buy food for themselves.”
Jesus said to them, “There is no need for them to go away;
give them some food yourselves.”
But they said to him,
“Five loaves and two fish are all we have here.”
Then he said, “Bring them here to me, ”
and he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass.
Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven,
he said the blessing, broke the loaves,
and gave them to the disciples,
who in turn gave them to the crowds.
They all ate and were satisfied,
and they picked up the fragments left over—
twelve wicker baskets full.
Those who ate were about five thousand men,
not counting women and children.

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As I heard the Gospel once again this morning at Mass, I was once again drawn to the parallelism between this event and the Institution of the Eucharist. Fr. Bing Arellano, whose show I occasionally chance upon on EWTN, once remarked about how Jesus went into the future and compartmented His whole Body and Blood into the Bread and Wine He broke during that fateful Last Supper with His Apostles.

We Catholics are particularly fortunate for being given the grace to partake personally the Body and Blood of Christ, as a way of strengthening His presence in our lives. And yes, the mere thought of this sends shockwaves through my spine. Who would imagine such a way for God to be with His people?

One non-Catholic friend of mine once told me that this person wanted me to attend their church for the purpose of giving me more food, because, as this person said, "the Catholic Church isn't giving you much food." Upon hearing that from this person's lips, I almost cried. I cannot bear imagining other people to take Christ's presence in the Eucharist for granted. Reminding myself of the presence of the Eucharist was enough to tell me that my Church is giving me more than enough food: she is giving me God Himself!

As a way of proving the Holy Presence of Christ in the Eucharist, Saint Anthony of Padua once responded to a challenge posed by a non-believer of the Holy Presence.

" During the 13th century St. Anthony of Padua was reported to have converted a hardened heretic through a rather unique contest.

The heretic, by the name of Bononillo, was unmoved by the reasoning of the "hammer of heretics," as St. Anthony was called. Bononillo was as stubborn as the mule that stood beside him.

Eyeing the mule, Anthony made an offer to Bononillo. He asked him whether he would give up his heresy if the mule were to bow down and adore its Creator present in the Blessed Sacrament.

The heretic answered he would, provided he could lay down certain conditions: for two days the mule was not to be fed, and on the third day it was to be led into the public square. On one side of the square would be placed a tempting pile of fresh feed, on the opposite side Anthony could stand with what Bononillo contemptuously called the "body of Christ."

Anthony agreed, but in all humility made one condition. If the animal did not kneel before the Blessed Sacrament, his sins alone were to be blamed.

The day arrived for this strange contest and the square was crowded with people. When the derisive Bononillo arrived with his half-starved mule, he was fully confident that his mule had sense and appetite enough to go after the feed.

But he was wrong. Anthony had implored his Lord in the intervening two days for the soul of this heretic. God did not let his faithful servant down. When turned loose, the mule without the least hesitation advanced towards Anthony and knelt in an attitude of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament.

With much emotion and contrition the heretic too fell on his knees and gave up his heresy. As wonderful as these miracles are the greatest of all, transubstantiation, has to be viewed with the eyes of faith. " (from http://www.therealpresence.org/eucharst/mir/oem_mh.htm)

This post once again echoes a call to honor and adore Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, and receiving Him worthily at Holy Mass. Let us continue to purify ourselves, get to know Christ closer by encountering Him in Scripture and tradition, and live lives of Christian goodness and receive Him into our bodies, into our souls, and into our lives.

Let us honor, adore, and worship Christ in the Eucharist. If a mere mule would do it, why wouldn't you?

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Saint Anthony of Padua and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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Photo credits: http://www.benotafraidnewsletter.com/eucharist_year.jpg, http://prayingforgrace.blogspot.com/2007_10_01_archive.html, http://photos9.flickr.com/20095889_1c3d8d85c9.jpg, http://www.monasteryicons.com/products/regular/402.jpg, http://www.stanthony.org/aboutanthony/gfx/history_art_3.jpg

A Snapshot of Life

2008-08-02T21:37:00.009+08:00

Our university hospital

Almost all people who attend medical school have dissection classes, in which cadavers are sliced and the parts within it studied, memorized and related to the living human body as a way of learning its different structures. It does offer a snapshot of what the medical student is to expect of his education in his future years.

Admittedly, as I now remember my dissection year two years ago, I never imagined that dissection would offer me such a wide perspective of things, about life, about illness and about how it may affect the body and the soul. I may just be looking at things at a contemplative way, but it works for me. Especially since I hold dear Ignatian spirituality: finding God in all things.

I have not posted in this blog for quite a while, and I thought that this opportunity ought to serve as a way of not only catching up, but of helping me recall God's blessings for the past week.

I am now in third year medical school, a stage that we in my school call integrated clinical clerkship (ICC). In ICC year we are given the chance to interact with patients, and somehow try to study their diseases well enough to propose diagnostic and treatment modalities. We then present our patients to our clinical consultants, as a way of knowing what they have to say and as a way of letting them sign papers for patient management.

ICC year normally starts with a general review of systemic diseases and would later on move on to pharmacology (the science of drug effects and how the body uses them) and rotations within the different clinical departments of the university hospital.

Since we are the medical school of the national University of the Philippines, our patients tend to come from different parts of our island-nation and likewise tend to have very complex diseases entailing complex procedures and management of symptoms. We started rotations last week and my first rotation was in the Ophthalmology department, where patients with eye complaints go.

My first week as an integrated clinical clerk was both exciting and unnerving. Exciting because this opportunity opened me to a lot more chances at getting to know my calling as a physician. Unnerving because I had to deal with the fact that I have to study well enough to present my patients' case to clinical consultants right after examining them. Somehow I pray that after I finish ICC year and enter the immensely challenging clerkship year, I may be ready to face my duties with compassion for my patients, and with faith, strong enough that it can be spread to all people I may meet.

Saint Ignatius at his study.

I began this post with a mental image about my dissection year as a way of introducing how I will post tonight: by dissecting tomorrow's Gospel reading, and reflecting on each salient point and how it related to my life for the past week.

When Jesus heard of the death of John the Baptist,
he withdrew in a boat to a deserted place by himself.

We encounter very bad news all the time. How do we manage to pull ourselves together when the undesirable happens? I often choose to just listen to God, and just sit in the chapel, trying to pray and dwell in the Presence of God. But admittedly, doing this isn't always easy. Jesus knew how to handle crises like these, and in the Gospel, Jesus teaches us the value of soul-searching, the value of reflecting and meditating on how God's will manifested in our daily lives, no matter how disastrous or devastating some events may seem.

The crowds heard of this and followed him on foot from their towns.
When he disembarked and saw the vast crowd,
his heart was moved with pity for them, and he cured their sick.

Bingo. He cured their sick. My medical student self seems to pat my shoulder: if you are trying to approach a religious vocation through the medical field, you seem to be on the right track! But I am praying that whenever internal struggles push my spirit to its limits, I may still be able to minister to people. Despite Jesus' desire for some quiet time, He still has to serve the people who need Him. How much are we ready to help other people at times that we think we need more help than these people do?

When it was evening, the disciples approached him and said,
“This is a deserted place and it is already late;
dismiss the crowds so that they can go to the villages
and buy food for themselves.”

How do we manage the people coming to us for help? Do we help as much as we can? How much do we trust ourselves that we have enough faith or resources to help other people with?

Jesus said to them, “There is no need for them to go away;
give them some food yourselves.”
But they said to him,
“Five loaves and two fish are all we have here.”

We often wonder how we could offer the little that we have for the Lord. As we will later see, we would discover that God magnifies that little thing that we have, but we have to offer them to Him first.

Then he said, “Bring them here to me, ”
and he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass.
Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven,
he said the blessing, broke the loaves,
and gave them to the disciples,
who in turn gave them to the crowds.
They all ate and were satisfied,

I love this part. It anticipates the Sacrifice that Jesus was about to undergo for the sake of mankind: it gives us a preview of the powerful Eucharist He was about to institute. How much do we trust God to help us in our material needs?

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I was not able to post on the 31st of July, the feast day of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. Since this blog is dedicated to the intercession of Saint Ignatius, I am posting here a poem I wrote about his armorial bearings. His shield is divided into two: the dexter side (seen from the viewer's left) shows seven red bands on a yellow background, while the sinister side (seen from the viewer's right) shows two wolves drinking from a pot.

Both images hold very dear to me: we are seven members in my family, and my surname is Lopez, which is Old Portuguese for "wolf". Loyola itself is a corruption of the Spanish "lobos y olla," the wolf and pot of his shield.

Ode to the Shield

I am Lopez, a wolf,
Seeking respite in the midst of worldly confusion.
Lo, a pot descends, from within I see water my parched soul may partake!
I then see myself, chained, just as that pot which was chained from up Above,
But O, so wonderfully!
Because, in the beginning I may have seen
How seemingly my freedom to roam about was taken away
But when I saw where the chain led to
I can only dance in excitement
I can only sing with joy
I can only exult with such gladness
I can only praise Him ever more!

(Saturday, June 21, 2008, 12:08 am)

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, from whom I derive much inspiration, pray for us.
AMDG.

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photo credits: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/252/449486895_540a5aadf9.jpg, http://www.creativejubilee.com/images/breads.jpg, http://lh4.ggpht.com/_z-2AcZpoNlQ/R5duTTfv3ZI/AAAAAAAAdrM/njR97lvvFew/Ignatius+of+Loyola.jpg, http://www.santuariodeloyola.org/imgx/images/fot_03.jpg, http://www.santuariodeloyola.org/imgx/images/fot_105.jpg, http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rKZyYjKtOFU/SJFmXLxkZwI/AAAAAAAAAo0/CqJyO9Ejgc4/s1600-h/Loyola+Coat+of+Arms+%28House+of+Loyola%29.JPG

The Pearl of Great Price

2008-07-30T16:08:00.003+08:00

Mt 13:44-46

Jesus said to his disciples:
“The Kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field,
which a person finds and hides again,
and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the Kingdom of heaven is like a merchant
searching for fine pearls.
When he finds a pearl of great price,
he goes and sells all that he has and buys it.”

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What is my Pearl of Great Price?

I was not able to post here for the past two days. Slowly, the daily grind of a medical student starts to get into my so-called schedule, which is not really a list of things to do, but of things to prioritize. Granted, I really feel I am still deficient of time-management skills, and I do feel that if I am to be a good doctor and a worthy servant of God in the religious life, I have to get used with scheduling my time.

For the past few days also, my confusion with the rites with which the Holy Eucharist is celebrated had really gotten into my mind. I think it is in these times of confusion that God sows seeds of faith. I believe that after every significant struggle or confusing circumstance, God is there to clear things up.

I just attended Mass this afternoon. Novus Ordo. While remembering the past few posts I have written here, I am slowly being reminded of how God's presence is felt. Is it in the thunder? In the wind? Or in silence? The mere fact that the Holy Mass, no matter what rite it is said, offers the holy Sacrifice of the Eucharist, I believe that we are actually called to recognize Christ in the changes of liturgy, which may be attributed to the workings of the Holy Spirit in the Second Vatican Council.

Then again, I am happy that somehow God is building blocks of trust and confidence in my Catholic post-Vatican II Church. I firmly believe that His Holy Spirit can never allow the Church to fall, even the gates of hell not being able to surmount it.

Love the Catholic Faith.
It honors and adores Jesus, the Pearl of Great Price, in ways so mysterious yet so spectacular.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.lisasjewels.co.uk/USERIMAGES/Gold%20coloured%20pearls-8mm(1).JPG, http://www.youthtrip.org/resources/images/manaoag-church1.jpg

An Attempt at Clearing Things Up

2008-07-27T19:15:00.007+08:00

Mt 13:44-52

Jesus said to his disciples:
“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field,
which a person finds and hides again,
and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant
searching for fine pearls.
When he finds a pearl of great price,
he goes and sells all that he has and buys it.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net thrown into the sea,
which collects fish of every kind.
When it is full they haul it ashore
and sit down to put what is good into buckets.
What is bad they throw away.
Thus it will be at the end of the age.
The angels will go out and separate the wicked from the righteous
and throw them into the fiery furnace,
where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.

“Do you understand all these things?”
They answered, “Yes.”
And he replied,
“Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven
is like the head of a household
who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old.”

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I have been confused for quite a time this week because of how we worship today and assist at Mass. I consider the Mass a central part of the spirituality I am attempting to adopt, and I am really praying for the grace to maintain its sanctity, to preserve its richness, to maximize its holiness.

All along something within me has been telling me that only the Traditional Latin Mass can keep up with such a description of an ideal Mass: sacred, rich, holy. But after thinking and meditating it quite at length, and after reading today's Gospel, I am led to believe in the following things I am about to write.

Many Catholics may consider this generation a very rebellious, secular, modernist society. One need not look deep within this society to find how things are gradually secularized. Personally, I am studying in a university where secular values predominate, in keeping with a spirit of equality with other groups of students who may believe in other gods or do not believe in the divine altogether. People of today's world may have turned into what we may consider a modernist society, in such a way that even our religious values are slowly being made to disintegrate.

We are living in an era where choices seem too depraved and immoral, where pleasure and indulgence take the place of sacrifice and self-giving, where love and peace are turned into hatred and violence. All of these may be happening at too much a degree that many people consider our times to be the last days. Only God may confirm the truth about this assumption, but nonetheless, we may choose to conclude: we are living in a society that necessitates renewal, especially in how we now approach spirituality and Christian responsibility.

This phenomenon, already recognized in the middle of the 20th century, may well be considered an impetus for the Church to reexamine its perspective on contemporary society. I personally believe it is not a question of relevance to the demands of society. Rather I prefer to believe that it is a question of how the Church can bring Christian spirituality to a world in which new forms of an ancient spiritual hunger have been created within our hearts. Thus, the Second Vatican Council.

This is what I believe to be the thrust of the Second Vatican Council: an attempt guided by the Holy Spirit in discerning the role of the Church in contemporary society, an attempt that aims to deliver the Christian message more effectively yet in a manner faithful to Apostolic tradition.

One of the reforms brought about by the Council were the changes in the liturgy. It may still be debatable on whether these changes truly conform to the spirit of the Council and effectively carries out the Council's thrusts.

And the fact remains that the changes in liturgy, which we now name the Novus Ordo Mass, may have served as a starting point for differences in putting the edited liturgy into practice. Here in the Philippines, many of these diversions abound. But somehow, at the end of the day, one may think about how these diversions served their purpose. Did these lead the people closer to Christ? And more importantly, did these differences in liturgy properly pay respect due the Eucharist, the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ?

The reformers of the Mass put forward provisions aiming to maintain the solemnity of the celebration and the honor and adoration it must give the Eucharist. These reforms, I am sure, were prayerfully thought out while considering the lifestyle of today's Catholic. But how is the Mass being said today?

Many of the changes in the Catholic Church since the Second Vatican Council have left some people confused. Some may have chosen to leave the Church altogether, and some claim to remain while being in a stance against the Council.

With my discovery of the Traditional Latin Mass, I was tempted to think that this form ought to be used universally within the Church, with all restrictions to its use in parishes be lifted. I think that sentiment wouldn't be changed so far.

But I think the reason why I love it so much is this: the Latin Mass so much shows reverence to the Eucharist in a way very different to how current Masses are said. And this is not to downgrade the Novus Ordo, since from its inception I believe the reformers tried their best to preserve the spirit of the Mass within it. I believe it is the manner itself by which Masses are held today. I believe it is in how people are made to behave in the Mass. I believe it is in how we are faithful to the General Instructions to the Roman Missal, a product of the Council, that we truly see how much honor and adoration we are putting in the Mass.

Therefore I am writing this not only to proclaim a personal stand but in order to help me further believe: that I believe in the Novus Ordo Mass as well as how I believe in the Traditional Latin Mass. I believe that both of these are different yet equally valid expressions of One Reality that is the Eucharist. I believe that the Council, from which the Novus Ordo derives its inspiration, is inspired by the guidance of the Holy Spirit and rejecting such a Council would entail rejecting the Holy Spirit.

But this is also what I believe, that abuses in the Novus Ordo Mass ought to cease, and that all Masses be offered while being faithul to the General Instruction to the Roman Missal and all documents of the Church.

Brothers and sisters, join me in praying for a holier and more worthy celebration and assisting at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

“Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old.”

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits:
http://www.episcopalcathedral.org/window12.jpg, http://dotnettemplar.net/blogfiles/LatinMassinPrincetonNewJerseyArea_145D8/Mass.jpg, http://www.execulink.com/~dtribe/blog/AmbrosianLitRome.jpg, http://www.st-georges-warminster.org.uk/images/pagemaster/Cardinal_Pell_presiding_over_Mass.jpg

A Mass with a Vague Aftertaste*

2008-07-26T22:28:00.007+08:00

Mt 13:24-30

Jesus proposed a parable to the crowds.
“The Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man
who sowed good seed in his field.
While everyone was asleep his enemy came
and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off.
When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well.
The slaves of the householder came to him and said,
‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field?
Where have the weeds come from?’
He answered, ‘An enemy has done this.’
His slaves said to him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’
He replied, ‘No, if you pull up the weeds
you might uproot the wheat along with them.
Let them grow together until harvest;
then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters,
“First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning;
but gather the wheat into my barn.”’”

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Today I attended my second Latin Mass. But this was different from the one I attended last Sunday; this time it's a Low Mass at Our Lady of Victories Church in New Manila, Quezon City, a church operated by members of the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX).

SSPX is a group of traditionalist Roman Catholics, whose founder Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre ran into conflict with Pope John Paul II after ordaining bishops without prior papal permission. As a result, this action prompted the late pontiff to excommunicate Lefebvre and the bishops he had ordained.

Nonetheless, despite the controversy that may be surrounding the SSPX, throughout the day I have been feeling the urge to attend one Latin mass for today. I have been looking at various videos, reading various blogs that have some things to tell about the Traditional Latin Mass. But just this afternoon, I wanted something concrete to look at, as well as something with which I can compare. I have been given the grace to hear Mass that is fully approved within the Roman Church, now I wanted to see what the SSPX has to offer.

I have posted here about the richness of the Traditional Rite, tonight, I will say it again. Heavenly. Elevating. Holy.

But, sadly, as the Communion Rite drew near, something came into my mind that somehow diminished the fullness of my Latin Mass experience. Prior to proceeding to the SSPX church, I had read this article about receiving communion in SSPX churches, in which Monsignor Perl of the Ecclesia Dei Commission of the Holy See had something to say about the priests of the SSPX (emphasis mine):

"[...]1.) The priests of the Society of St. Pius X are validly ordained, but they are suspended from exercising their priestly functions. To the extent that they adhere to the schism of the late Archbishop Lefebvre, they are also excommunicated.

2.) Concretely this means that the Masses offered by these priests are valid, but illicit i.e., contrary to the law of the Church.

[...] In the strict sense you may fulfill your Sunday obligation by attending a Mass celebrated by a priest of the Society of St. Pius X."

[...] we cannot recommend your attendance at such a Mass and have explained the reason why. If your primary reason for attending were to manifest your desire to separate yourself from communion with the Roman Pontiff and those in communion with him, it would be a sin. If your intention is simply to participate in a Mass according to the 1962 Missal for the sake of devotion, this would not be a sin." (from Una Voce America website)

In addition:

"To [... receive Holy Communion] at a Mass celebrated by a schismatic priest, outside of the extreme cases where the Church authorizes it, is to do violence to the sacrament[...]" (from Latin Mass Magazine)

Out of loving loyalty to Holy Mother Church, it was a personal choice for me not to receive the Sacraments as offered by the SSPX. It appears that although the Mass I attended can be valid if the intention was to relive the Mass of the 1962 Rite, the Eucharist from this Mass cannot be valid.

I left the church with emotions mixed with a tinge of uncertainty and confusion. But here is what I can so far say: I am praying for the liturgical renewal of our Church. Mass abuses have all too jeopardized the sanctity of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in so many ways. The Church needs prayers from people who are genuinely concerned with how God's people are worshipping Him and honoring His Presence in the Eucharist.

Today's Gospel tells us of how weeds are planted, especially amongst the faithful. Seeds of division and the stench of radical modernism have been planted within the ranks of our dear Mother Church. Let us pray that God may renew our Church; and strengthen our faith in and sense of reverence to His Presence in the Sacraments.

Saint Pius X, pray for us, and help rescue the Church. Amen.

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Saint Pius X and Saint Francis Xavier, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.thebachelorgirl.com/2006/582/traditional-latin-mass-schedule-at-our-lady-of-victories-church/, http://www.freshexpressions.org.uk/uploads/images/wheat%20and%20weeds-web%231%23.jpg, http://farm1.static.flickr.com/207/529693541_a92b2d65a1.jpg?v=0

*"aftertaste" borrowed from Creative Minority Report.

The Chalice

2008-07-25T14:40:00.004+08:00

Mt 20:20-28

The mother of the sons of Zebedee approached Jesus with her sons
and did him homage, wishing to ask him for something.
He said to her,
“What do you wish?”
She answered him,
“Command that these two sons of mine sit,
one at your right and the other at your left, in your Kingdom.”
Jesus said in reply,
“You do not know what you are asking.
Can you drink the chalice that I am going to drink?”
They said to him, “We can.”
He replied,
“My chalice you will indeed drink,
but to sit at my right and at my left, this is not mine to give
but is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.”
When the ten heard this,
they became indignant at the two brothers.
But Jesus summoned them and said,
“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them,
and the great ones make their authority over them felt.
But it shall not be so among you.
Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant;
whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave.
Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served
but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

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Each time the Chalice is elevated for its contents to become the Blood of Christ, we are reminded of how Christ gave up His life for God's plan to be accomplished.

It is but human not to desire death, and as fully human, Jesus somehow felt afraid (thus explaining His immense anguish in Gethsemani). But eventually, God's plan for our salvation took effect in the form of Christ's resurrection. Our eternal salvation is another matter though, for although Christ opened up the door for us, the choice remains ours to make. Just as James the Apostle, whose feast we are celebrating today, Christ today offers us a question: "Can you drink the chalice that I am going to drink?”

Are we ready to open our hearts to God and follow Him? We need not look far in scripture for us to understand how this can be done. How are we to drink the Chalice of Christ? How are we to offer ourselves to God's service? Jesus Himself tells us: "...whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave. Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Saint James son of Zebedee, pray for us. Let your martyrdom inspire us to likewise offer our lives for the love of Christ. Amen.

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Saint James and Saint Isaac Jogues, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.willgwitt.org/images/chalice.jpg, http://www.aug.edu/augusta/iconography/webmuseum/jamesGreaterCano.jpg, http://propheticverses.com/images/img01/img0101/img0101n/41mark0119calling.jpg

Spiritual Diet

2008-07-24T11:51:00.004+08:00

Mt 13:10-17

The disciples approached Jesus and said,
“Why do you speak to the crowd in parables?”
He said to them in reply,
“Because knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of heaven
has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted.
To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich;
from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away.
This is why I speak to them in parables, because
they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand.
Isaiah’s prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says:

You shall indeed hear but not understand,
you shall indeed look but never see.
Gross is the heart of this people,
they will hardly hear with their ears,
they have closed their eyes,
lest they see with their eyes
and hear with their ears
and understand with their hearts and be converted
and I heal them.

“But blessed are your eyes, because they see,
and your ears, because they hear.
Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people
longed to see what you see but did not see it,
and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.”

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Great are the temptations of the world today! The things we hear and the things our eyes can see tell us how our generation seems to glorify self-success, to condone immoral values and permit violence and illicit relationships.

We are often told about how food nourishes us and makes us into the persons we are. But what do we eat? It is in this same respect that we often allow ourselves to partake of spiritual rubbish, in the form of today's filth-ridden media.

In this world full of filthy things, we ought to close our eyes and ears from the noise and profanity of today's world. In turn, we ought to listen to the One True Voice of Christ, and open the eyes of our heart to the Love of Christ.

As in how those who intend to lose weight cut back on certain food, we Christians are likewise called to be on a diet: restricting our soul food choices to those only coming from Christ.

You are what you eat. Never ever has this saying ever became this true.

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Today, the Church celebrates the feast of the incorruptible Saint Sharbel Maklouf. The following account is copied from American Catholic.

[...] Although this saint never traveled far from the Lebanese village of Beka-Kafra, where he was born, his influence has spread widely.
Joseph Zaroun Maklouf was raised by an uncle because his father, a mule driver, died when Joseph was only three. At the age of 23, Joseph joined the Monastery of St. Maron at Annaya, Lebanon, and took the name Sharbel in honor of a second-century martyr. He professed his final vows in 1853 and was ordained six years later.

Following the example of the fifth-century St. Maron, Sharbel lived as a hermit from 1875 until his death. His reputation for holiness prompted people to seek him to receive a blessing and to be remembered in his prayers. He followed a strict fast and was very devoted to the Blessed Sacrament. When his superiors occasionally asked him to administer the sacraments to nearby villages, Sharbel did so gladly.

He died in the late afternoon on Christmas Eve. Christians and non-Christians soon made his tomb a place of pilgrimage and of cures. Pope Paul VI beatified him in 1965 and canonized him in 1977. [...]

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Saint Sharbel Maklouf, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.american-pictures.com/genealogy/descent/photos/Isaiah.the.prophet.jpg, http://www.flickr.com/photos/odiosa/2468516233/, http://www.catholictradition.org/Eucharist/charbel-1a.jpg

A Matter of Faith

2008-07-23T12:51:00.003+08:00

Mt 13:1-9

On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea.
Such large crowds gathered around him
that he got into a boat and sat down,
and the whole crowd stood along the shore.
And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying:
“A sower went out to sow.
And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path,
and birds came and ate it up.
Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil.
It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep,
and when the sun rose it was scorched,
and it withered for lack of roots.
Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it.
But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit,
a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.
Whoever has ears ought to hear.”

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After going to Confession and once again relishing God in the Eucharist, I suddenly heard this in my mind: "Worthiness is not a feeling, it is a matter of faith."

All of us are sinners, and sometimes it takes quite a stretch of imagination to think how God would forgive us. Imagine how He has given all the wonderful things of this world, including that magical thing called free will. Imagine how He has blessed us, by first of all creating us, and allowing us to breath and live. The mere fact that I am alive makes me wonder about and thank God at the same time for the life He has given me.

But despite that, I am still a sinner. I have done things that I believe merit punishment and not forgiveness, of separation from God and not communion with God. My post yesterday echoes my yearning to see God if He wills it. But my own capabilities are overwhelmingly insufficient. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak!"

"A matter of faith." This is why I love my Catholic faith, which teaches me such a powerful way how God has transformed human weakness into strength, and enabled His people to attain His forgiveness and really have a tangible way of receiving it.

Human weakness, as shown in our tendency to die and succumb to hardship, was defeated by the power of God, through His Son's resurrection! I consider this such a potent expression of how the grace of God can help us defeat our human weaknesses and lead us closer to Him.

And, through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, we are drawn closer to Him through that power that Christ gave His apostles: the power to forgive sin. Yes, some Evangelical perspectives argue that we can confess directly to God. But, somehow, something's missing: a verbal assurance that we are indeed forgiven by God. This is why I really love the Catholic Faith: the authority of the priesthood that Jesus has given His apostles has given them the power to forgive sin. "What you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, what you loose shall be loosened in heaven."

What's a great part of it as well is the fact that they give a verbal assurance of forgiveness! I believe that if one were to gather all the most powerful words a person can ever say, it is this:

"...through the ministry of the Church
may God give you pardon and peace
I absolve you from all your sins..."

I pray that with the Sacrament of Penance and the holy Eucharist, step by step, all of us may attain that grace of becoming pure in the eyes of God and seeing Him face to face. And as we relate this post with today's Gospel, may these Sacraments make us fertile ground for the seeds of a stronger faith in Jesus Christ.

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Saint John Nepomucene, patron of the confessional, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://fertilizerinfo.com/images/mp-005/fertilizer.jpg, http://thriceholy.net/JPGs/sower.jpg

The Pure See God

2008-07-22T21:46:00.003+08:00

Jn 20:1-2, 11-18

On the first day of the week,
Mary Magdalene came to the tomb early in the morning,
while it was still dark,
and saw the stone removed from the tomb.
So she ran and went to Simon Peter
and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved, and told them,
“They have taken the Lord from the tomb,
and we don’t know where they put him.”

Mary stayed outside the tomb weeping.
And as she wept, she bent over into the tomb
and saw two angels in white sitting there,
one at the head and one at the feet
where the Body of Jesus had been.

And they said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?”
She said to them, “They have taken my Lord,
and I don’t know where they laid him.”

When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus there,
but did not know it was Jesus.
Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?
Whom are you looking for?”
She thought it was the gardener and said to him,
“Sir, if you carried him away,
tell me where you laid him,
and I will take him.”

Jesus said to her, “Mary!”
She turned and said to him in Hebrew,
“Rabbouni,” which means Teacher.

Jesus said to her,
“Stop holding on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father.
But go to my brothers and tell them,
‘I am going to my Father and your Father,
to my God and your God.’”

Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples,
“I have seen the Lord,”
and then reported what he told her.

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How often are we tempted? Or are we too permissive that we don't try to stop it and just let the temptation be translated into sin?

These are questions precisely going around my head for quite a while today. It appears that I am still human enough that my inner devils are attacking me and my drive to achieve Christ's holiness.

Mary Magdalene was one disciple of Christ who was quite different yet very much similar to us. We may not have a past like that of Mary Magdalene--being the prostitute and vessel of seven demons as she was--but she has encountered and defeated temptations and struggles throughout her life in her journey of following Christ. None of these triumphs would have been successful without the Lord. And in the end, she may well have exclaimed: "I have seen the Lord!"

This reminds us of how Jesus rewards those who maintain their purity: they shall see God.

Mary's finding Jesus somehow reminds me of the Christian life, in how we search for Christ, and how we even feel immense sadness that makes us shed tears of despair and longing for God. From time to time God Himself would speak to us, but we would perceive That Someone to be somebody else. But in the end, God's grace allows us to see Him, and in the end, He gives us necessary courage to share our faith with other people.

Dear Mary Magdalene, disciple of Christ, help us to live fully our Christian lives with purity, dignity and holy yearning for God. Amen.

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Saint Mary Magdalene, pray for us.

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photo credits:
http://z.about.com/d/atheism/1/0/z/d/MaryMagdaleneTomb.jpg, http://listverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/ivanov3a-1.jpg

Praying for Clarity

2008-07-21T16:37:00.003+08:00

Mt 12:38-42

Some of the scribes and Pharisees said to Jesus,“Teacher, we wish to see a sign from you.”
He said to them in reply,
“An evil and unfaithful generation seeks a sign,
but no sign will be given it
except the sign of Jonah the prophet.
Just as Jonah was in the belly of the whale three days and three nights, so will the Son of Man be in the heart of the earth
three days and three nights.
At the judgment, the men of Nineveh will arise with this generation
and condemn it, because they repented at the preaching of Jonah;
and there is something greater than Jonah here.
At the judgment the queen of the south will arise with this generationand condemn it, because she came from the ends of the earth
to hear the wisdom of Solomon;
and there is something greater than Solomon here.”

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"There is Something Greater than Solomon here."

(in the picture: Saint Ignatius of Loyola in vestments of the Tridentine Rite)

I am currently praying for clarity. Some people have known how God has given me the grace to love the Eucharist immensely. And this is so much so that I'm praying for the grace to offer my life just for This Presence of our Lord to be given proper adoration, honor and worship in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

But people seem not to realize the value of worshipping God's presence in the Eucharist. As a case in point, many people seem to just pass by the Sacred Tabernacle on their way to the sacristy, without even genuflecting or bowing reverently. Jesus is inside that tabernacle!

In addition, I am honestly trying to adjust to seeing people partake of the Sacred Host by hand, something that is too much for me, very well knowing what sins my hands are guilty of. It is a personal choice for me to partake of the Host by tongue, and for me it is no longer a matter of health concern (a medical student I may be) but a matter of faith. If only I could even kneel!

This seems to echo my post for yesterday, which focuses on this phrase: Domine, non sum dignus... My Lord, I am not worthy. This is why I really fell in love with the Tridentine Rite: it manifests the adoration and the worship that the Holy Eucharist deserves. I believe that God speaks better in silence, and how beautiful if the Holy Eucharist were celebrated while being filled with that holy silence.

Today's Gospel echoes the message about God's presence in the Eucharist. In this day and age when people seem to rely on human understanding of Scripture to derive a sense of fullness and holiness (very evident in the services of Evangelical churches), we seem to forget an altogether more powerful Presence of God, in the Eucharist. People today may be searching for a sign that would enable them to lead holier lives, but few people realize that it is the Sacred Host that will help make it possible. Received worthily and in a state of grace, the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Lord will strengthen us. No temptation can ever surmount it.

Let us pray that through the Eucharist, the people of today's Catholic Church may truly rediscover the Holy Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist and give Him the Worship and Adoration that He deserves.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, priest of the Tridentine Rite, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.artisttrust.org/sites/trust.civicactions.net/files/images/05.Rue.JonahintheWhaleW.jpg, http://www.digital-images.net/Images/NS_Paint/St_Ignatius_3538.jpg

Domine, non sum dignus...

2008-07-21T00:06:00.004+08:00

Mt 13:24-30

Jesus proposed another parable to the crowds, saying:

“The kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man
who sowed good seed in his field.
While everyone was asleep his enemy came
and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off.
When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well.
The slaves of the householder came to him and said,
‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field?
Where have the weeds come from?’
He answered, ‘An enemy has done this.’
His slaves said to him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’
He replied, ‘No, if you pull up the weeds
you might uproot the wheat along with them.
Let them grow together until harvest;
then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters,
“First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning;
but gather the wheat into my barn.”

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"Domine, non sum dignus...
Lord, I am not worthy

... ut intres sub tectum meum: sed tantum dic verbo, et sanabitur anima mea"
to receive Thee under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

I have to admit that the Gospel reading above was not the reading I heard this afternoon. This was what I heard:

Luke 18:9-11 (Douay-Rheims)
And to some who trusted in themselves as just, and despised others, he spoke also this parable: Two men went up into the temple to pray: the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee standing, prayed thus with himself: O God, I give thee thanks that I am not as the rest of men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, as also is this publican. I fast twice in a week: I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not so much as lift up his eyes towards heaven; but struck his breast, saying: O god, be merciful to me a sinner. I say to you, this man went down into his house justified rather that the other: because every one that exalteth himself, shall be humbled: and he that humbleth himself, shall be exalted.

Yes, brothers and sisters, if you are fans of the Traditional Roman Rite of 1962, you may recognize this Gospel for the Tenth Sunday after Pentecost. What point am I driving to? I am very excited to just type this here: I attended my first Latin Mass this afternoon! Being brought up in the Novus Ordo Mass, I had no idea what a Latin Mass was like until I experienced it this afternoon.

After having spent the previous night at a house of a very close friend, something made me attend Mass in their parish. I then realized that their parish celebrated a Holy Mass in the Extraordinary Form. I made my way to the church, all the while realizing the need for a missal. Good thing a very kindly lady already seated on one of the pews lent hers.

Actually during the start of the rite, I tried to recall all the videos I have watched about the Traditional Rite, and I began to get excited at the fact that I was about to witness everything before my very eyes. The silence was invigorating, inspiring, elevating!

What led my soul to great joy was when I saw the Host and the Chalice elevated, and later the Host coming into my very being in such a special way: kneeling, tongue out, and the priest giving it himself. My inner yearning for such a way of celebrating and assisting at Holy Mass has at last been realized. I can only praise the Lord for such grace!

Today's Gospel in the Liturgy of the Ordinary Roman Form (The Parable of the Weeds) tells us of how both seeds and weeds can be planted within us. How often do we allow God to uproot our weeds? The Gospel also gives His people a chance to reform themselves, by how He allowed the weeds and seeds to grow, so that at the hour of uprooting the weeds, only weeds are indeed eliminated. How will God look at us on the Day of Judgment?

Interestingly, this connects with today's Gospel reading in the Liturgy of the Extraordinary Form (The Pharisee and the Publican). The reading highlights how all of us are prone to sin, and how we ought to seek forgiveness from God and to come humbly before Him.

Lord, grant that we may not become weeds, but help us bear fruit and spread seeds of holy faith. Amen.

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Saint Stanislaus Kostka, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.life.uiuc.edu/ib/363/image/Wheat2.jpeg, http://stirringsandechoes.blogspot.com/2007/10/gestures-of-prayer.html, http://www.montanalatinmass.com/images/elevationoftheeucharist_ql2x.jpg

* I attended this very beautiful Mass at the Divine Mercy Parish, Sikatuna Village, Quezon City.

Prudently Working for Justice

2008-07-19T21:10:00.004+08:00

Mt 12:14-21

The Pharisees went out and took counsel against Jesus to put him to death.
When Jesus realized this, he withdrew from that place.
Many people followed him, and he cured them all,
but he warned them not to make him known.

This was to fulfill what had been spoken through Isaiah the prophet:
Behold, my servant whom I have chosen,
my beloved in whom I delight;
I shall place my Spirit upon him,
and he will proclaim justice to the Gentiles.
He will not contend or cry out,
nor will anyone hear his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break,
a smoldering wick he will not quench,
until he brings justice to victory.
And in his name the Gentiles will hope.

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"He will not contend or cry out,nor will anyone hear his voice in the streets."

I grew up in a suburb of Manila while being exposed to the marketplace where followers of a certain fundamentalist sect would preach about the Bible.

Even when our family had to move to the northern province of Pangasinan in my second grade, the sight of a fired-up evangelist boarding the buses and proclaiming God's word did not escape me.

I have nothing against these people who seem to be greatly motivated to carry out the mission of brining God's word to others. In fact, their zeal is even quite inspiring. However, as author Bo Sanchez once noted, their zeal can be compared to how sharks capture their prey: powerful, but very aggressive.

The Gospel for today makes it clear that God may have intended His Messenger, His Son, to proclaim His justice prudently. With how Jesus departed the place after hearing word of the Pharisees' plot to kill him, this reminds us how today's Gospel highlights the virtue of prudence in serving God. Martyrdom is honorable, but it can wait according to God's plans.

Today's Gospel also speaks of how justice must be worked for in today's society: by alleviating the plight of the poor, serving the sick and offering one's whole self for the service of others. God has given us different capabilities to do these things. We have been given talents. This again reminds us of the Parable of the Talents--how are we to use the talents given by God? Are we to use them, or just bury them on the ground?

How do we offer our lives for the sake of justice? In what way is God calling us to do this?

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Saint Francis Xavier, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.ordination.org/Pharisees.jpg, http://lelechicon3hk.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Manila,_street_market.224210237_std.jpg

Rules, Rules...

2008-07-18T23:25:00.003+08:00

Mt 12:1-8

Jesus was going through a field of grain on the sabbath.
His disciples were hungry
and began to pick the heads of grain and eat them.
When the Pharisees saw this, they said to him,
“See, your disciples are doing what is unlawful to do on the sabbath.”
He said to the them, “Have you not read what David did
when he and his companions were hungry,
how he went into the house of God and ate the bread of offering,
which neither he nor his companions
but only the priests could lawfully eat?
Or have you not read in the law that on the sabbath
the priests serving in the temple violate the sabbath
and are innocent?
I say to you, something greater than the temple is here.
If you knew what this meant, I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
you would not have condemned these innocent men.
For the Son of Man is Lord of the sabbath.”

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For some weird reason, I love watching Spongebob Squarepants. And honestly, I am quite astonished at how the spirituality of Saint Ignatius is inspiring me to seek God in the most unlikely things. Like cartoons.

There's this episode where the lead character, Spongebob, throws a party. But because he wanted the party to run smoothly as he wants, he made a rigid schedule for it, very detailed enough to even allot activities for a given number of minutes. He then invited his guests, and as they arrived, he even scolded the ones who were late! When things have been getting out of schedule, despite the enjoyment that all the guests have been relishing at the party, Spongebob then throws tantrums, and tells them to stop whatever they're doing and stick to the schedule. Of course annoyed, the guests managed to get Spongebob out of the picture. He then ended up not being there to enjoy his own party.

Rules, rules. We sometimes become control freaks in our drive to make things our way. But are the people around us being loved? Being cared for? Being noticed at least?

I desire mercy, not sacrifice. In this day and age where everything seems to be a rat race, how are we to be merciful to others? My morning daily reflection said about various religious practices and their uselessness if not being coupled with faith and good works. Are we just mumbling our prayers and doing our best for what we think would earn us our own salvation? This is quite a very selfish orientation of how one may practice Christianity.

Jesus preached to us about such concepts as surrender, service and martyrdom for the sake of others. Some Korean Confucian philosophers once scoffed at Christianity, concluding it as a selfish way of thought. But what these people miss out is the virtue of mercy, verily preached and practiced by Christ on the cross.

Let us pray that God may enable us to love others as much as how we love God by doing our religious practices, whatever they may be.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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Spongebob Squarepants, ©Nickelodeon.
photo credits: http://www.uark.edu/misc/wheat/Images/wheat1.jpg, http://i.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/020613/17573__spongebob_l.jpg, http://img61.imageshack.us/img61/9995/rosary9ot.jpg

Inner Peace

2008-07-17T15:09:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 11:28-30

Jesus said:“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am meek and humble of heart;

and you will find rest for yourselves.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”

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"Take my yoke upon you."

How is it to bear the yoke of Jesus? How is it to follow Him?

Surely, the mere fact of following the call of Jesus seems too antithetical to today's world. In today's society where the love of immorality and violence seems to be on mass media everyday, it is quite clear to us that if we are to truly adopt the mind of Christ, we would really get into trouble. One who would ordinarily believe in Christ but not truly trust in Him may end up feeling burdened. "What kind of God have I put my trust on? I feel persecuted, rejected, all alone!" we may end up saying.

But if we truly trust the Lord in our quest of following His call, we can greatly feel how He moves within us and inspires us in our daily life. I firmly believe that if we are to truly strengthen the presence of Christ, no persecution nor rejection shall be strong enough to move our resolve. I believe that if we are to put our faith on God with all our heart, it is only then that the burden of following God's call becomes easy and light.

Saint Ignatius particularly believed that feelings tell a lot about how God moves within a person. I believe that if we sense that somehow, after doing something, we achieve inner peace and joy from within, we responded to God's call!

This is what I pray, that God grant me the grace to truly follow Him, and not only feel inner peace, but spread this peace to others.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.davyking.com/Carabao3.jpg

Remaining in Him through Mary

2008-07-16T19:38:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 11: 25-27

At that time Jesus exclaimed:
“I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth,
for although you have hidden these things
from the wise and the learned
you have revealed them to the childlike.
Yes, Father, such has been your gracious will.
All things have been handed over to me by my Father.
No one knows the Son except the Father,
and no one knows the Father except the Son
and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him.”

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Two things in today's Gospel are particularly close to my heart.

"although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike." Not all things can be read from books. This particularly draws me to every patient encounter in the hospital, as we learn how to treat patients and care for their needs. Sometimes we may have the opportunity to teach them about favorable attitudes in dealing with their illnesses, but oftentimes it is we medical students that learn more from them. We may teach them about how their disease came about; but in turn, we are being taught such essential concepts like trust, affection, endurance and the value of prayer.

"no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him.”
I believe that we Christians are particularly fortunate that God has granted us the grace to get to know Jesus. But how much do we know about Him? I once attended a recollection that emphasized the value of knowing the role that Jesus plays in our lives. After being given time to reflect about the role that God plays in my life, I ended up realizing that He is a source of consolation. I have yet to discover how much God would want to reveal Himself to me. How much am I called to see and know about Him?

"Blessed are the pure, they shall see God." Am I pure enough?

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Today is the feast of our Blessed Mother under the title Our Lady of Mount Carmel. I am particularly enamored to this title of our Lady, because of the Scapular which I have been given to wear. It has been hanging on my neck for many years now and it has witnessed various events of my life that drew me closer to Christ and His Call. May the guiding love of our Blessed Mother lead us to knowing Christ more.

I have been hearing this song in my head for the past few days, and I wish to post it here. It tells about one's commitment to a possible call in life, whether in the priestly or married life. I choose to dedicate this song to the Blessed Mother as a way of consecration to her intercession. This song is taken from the famous answer of Ruth to Naomi. Wherever you go, I go.

Pananatili (Staying)
Hangad
(with my unauthorized translation of the title and lyrics from the Filipino original)

Huwag mong naising lisanin kita;
Do not wish that I leave you
Wala ‘kong hangaring ika’y mag-isa.
I do not desire that you are left alone
Sa’n man magtungo, ako’y sasabay,
Wherever you go, I shall walk with you
Magkabalikat sa paglalakbay.
Shoulder in shoulder as we journey on

Mananahan sa tahanang sisilong sa ‘yo,
I will dwell in the home that will shelter you
Yayakapin ang landasin at bayan mo.
I will embrace your path and your nation.

Poon mo ay aking ipagbubunyi
Your God I will praise
At iibigin nang buong sarili.
And I will love with all my self
Sa’n man abutin ng paghahanap,
Wherever my search shall lead me
Ikaw at ako’y magkasamang ganap.
You and me shall be truly together

Ipahintulot nawa ng Panginoon:
May the Lord let it be so:
Ni kamataya’y maglalaho, anino ng kahapon.
that death vanish, so the shadows of yesterday

Dahil pag-ibig ang alay sa ‘yo, mananatili ako.
For love is what I offer, I will remain
H’wag nang naising tayo’y mawalay,
Wish no longer that we may be apart
H’wag nang isiping
Reckon no longer
Magwawakas ang paglalakbay.
That our journey will end.

Pananatili - Hangad

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Our Lady of the Way, pray for us.

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photo credits:
http://www.uscg.mil/hq/chaplain/graphics/Catholic/National%20Shrine/17%20Christ%20of%20Revelation.JPG, http://www.cspya.org/Our%20Lady%20of%20Mt.%20Carmel.jpg, http://www.preceptaustin.org/RUTH%20AND%20NAOMI%20ORPRAH%20LEAVING.jpg

Holiness?

2008-07-15T15:35:00.004+08:00

MATTHEW 11:20-24

Jesus began to reproach the towns where most of his mighty deeds had been done, since they had not repented. "Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the mighty deeds done in your midst had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would long ago have repented in sackcloth and ashes.

But I tell you, it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon on the day of judgment than for you. And as for you, Capernaum: Will you be exalted to heaven? You will go down to the nether world. For if the mighty deeds done in your midst had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day.

But I tell you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom on the day of judgment than for you."

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One of the greatest things that the Vocation Seminar (see, the indescribable high is still here) taught me was how to make the Examen of Consciousness, a prayer method inspired by the experiences and spirituality of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. A component of this Examen is the part when one resolves to correct his mistakes and shortcomings, while imploring the aid of the Holy Spirit to give strength and divine grace.

Admittedly, I discovered once again that the resolution to do good and improve on one's mistakes can only be achieved one step at a time. Personally, it had to start with the value of punctuality and time management. Managing time wisely is an essential skill for medical students, and I have to admit that I am not really good at this skill yet. I often find myself immersed in either busying myself too much with things that are not of paramount priority; while actually getting stressed at how short time is for studying and finishing coursework.

"The Lord has done great things for me," my Blessed Mother once remarked. I can also claim that God had done the same to me. But have I changed my ways?

I am still reflecting on how I am called to strip myself of everything to offer myself to God. Come to think of it, I reckon that this thinking has pervaded through every post I have made in this blog since having the inspiration to put this up.

Once again, as every blog post of mine has allowed other people to observe, I ask questions to myself. Am I ready? Am I ready to embrace the dirt? To smile despite the situations being presented before me? Am I ready to smile when people do wrong to me, lambast me or belittle me? Am I ready to face people of different experiences and inclinations? And seek how I can serve the God within them?

While wolfing hurriedly my lunch, I became suddenly inspired by the example of people who are doing menial tasks, like that janitor in the shopping mall, cleaning the dirt on the tables left by those who had eaten there. Or waiters at the local fastfood chain. Or metro aides. Something within me wants to experience poverty at its very core, by being in their shoes. I believe God will grant me the time and the future opportunities. For now, I will have to seek God in my current circumstances, as a medical student trying to make sense of this urgency that I feel: the urgency to follow God's call.

You may say that I am trying to show an image of holiness, with these things that my heart had been urging me, but I don't really think so. In particular, when something within me tells me how "holy" I have been feeling of myself, I wake myself up and pray harder. I believe it is when we feel that we are holy that we feel we are complacent. Oftentimes, a matter of days only pass after feeling "holy" and I commit sins characteristic of my innate weaknesses.

I am never holy. God will only have the authority to judge that. My weaknesses are still here. For now, I am intensely praying for the grace to be holy, as I must, as I could, as I should.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.knls.org/images/humble/humble23.jpg, http://mbec.phila.gov/procurement/pix/janitor.jpg

The Sword: Ilocano* Style

2008-07-14T08:00:00.007+08:00

MATTHEW 10:34-11:1

Jesus said to his Apostles:
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth.
I have come to bring not peace but the sword.
For I have come to set
a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
and one’s enemies will be those of his household.

“Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me,
and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;
and whoever does not take up his cross
and follow after me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

“Whoever receives you receives me,
and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.
Whoever receives a prophet because he is a prophet
will receive a prophet’s reward,
and whoever receives a righteous man
because he is righteous
will receive a righteous man’s reward.

And whoever gives only a cup of cold water
to one of these little ones to drink
because he is a disciple–
amen, I say to you, he will surely not lose his reward.”

When Jesus finished giving these commands to his Twelve disciples,
he went away from that place to teach and to preach in their towns.

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I am still in an indescribable high especially after the Vocation Seminar I experienced yesterday. But after attending morning class today, and after being reminded once again of my responsibilities as a medical student and future physician, somehow I felt inner peace within. The prospect of having to follow God while studying to be a physician can be so exciting, but at the same arousing a sense of uncertainty. What are the experiences that await me? How do I deal with the people that God is about to send into my life in my future medical profession? If God wills it eventually, how may I be able to enter into a different profession?

There are still many questions popping into my mind, but with the peace that God allows me to feel from within after attending the seminar, I am confident that God is allowing me to tread the right path. Nonetheless, I still pray for the strength to take up His Cross and follow Him, and I furthermore pray that I may follow Him specifically in His Society.

But today's Gospel reminds us that the call of God serves not as an instrument of peace; rather it is as a sword. My current circumstances may not yet present the ultimate manifestation of how I am to separate from my father (surprisingly, Jesus concretely presented the separation of son from father in the Gospel), but somehow the call operates in such a mystical way as to how it acts as a "sword" in my life.

Last night, I read the Gospel in our Ilocano Bible, and the translation beautifully presents to me the concreteness of such a comparison of God's call to a sword. In the Ilocano translation, sword translates to kampilan, which is not exactly a sword in the Western point of view. There are different kinds of kampilan but one which is quite commonly used is the kampilan bolo, which may be also used in a myriad of ways in the ricefields and vegetable gardens of the rural Northern Philippines, where we Ilocanos originated. It can be used not only to cleave things, it also is used to uproot and cut weeds, thereby breaking and fertilizing the ground for another planting season.

As my Ilocano Bible pointed out to me, God's call must not be presented to us as merely an instrument of division. It is also a way for God to uproot our inner demons, to drive out and correct our depraved passions, and to prepare our hearts as a fertile ground for His seeds to grow within us.

It must be remembered that the Gospel yesterday spoke about being fertile ground for the seeds of the Lord. All of us have been given God's call. How do we respond? Do we allow God's grace to act like swords, like kampilans, separating us from our evil and selfish ways?

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, who offered his sword to Our Lady, pray for us.

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additional photo credit: http://www.hisfinishedwork.com/pics/sword_of_the_spirit.jpg

*I was born into an Ilocano-Tagalog family. You see, the Philippines has many ethno-linguistic groups. The group mainly occupying the nation's capital Manila is the Tagalog group. The national language is based on the language spoken by the Tagalog group. My family meanwhile, is from the north part of Luzon Island, populated by the Ilocanos. Through time I have adopted the language of my father's family, and am using it in prayer and reading scripture. I suspect it's God's will again. It must be clear that each group has its distinct language, and although each Philippine language is related, they are mutually unintelligible.

Preserve me Lord

2008-07-13T23:42:00.004+08:00

Preserve me Lord from the tempest within, if it will lead me to abandon You
Preserve me Lord from the dangers beyond, if it will lead me not to serving You
Preserve me Lord from any infirmity, if it will weaken my resolve to love You
But let the tempest within go on, blowing with overwhelming intensity if it is through the storm that I hear Your Voice
Let the dangers beyond prey upon me, if it is through walking the dark valley that I feel safe in Your embrace
Let any infirmity fall upon me, if it is through experiencing the weakness of the flesh that I strengthen Your Spirit within me.
Finally, let me spill my blood if You will let it pass, if thereby I may be able to offer my life and die for the greater glory that is You.

July 13, 2008, 11:36 p.m.
After attending the Jesuit Vocation Seminar
CLC Center, Ateneo de Manila University

photo credit: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/3634/hug1.jpg

Finally!

2008-07-13T19:06:00.008+08:00

MATTHEW 13:1-23

On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd stood along the shore.

And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying: "A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold. Whoever has ears ought to hear."

The disciples approached him and said, "Why do you speak to them in parables?" He said to them in reply, "Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away. This is why I speak to them in parables, because they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand. Isaiah's prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says: You shall indeed hear but not understand, you shall indeed look but never see. Gross is the heart of this people, they will hardly hear with their ears, they have closed their eyes, lest they see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their hearts and be converted, and I heal them.

"But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear. Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

"Hear then the parable of the sower. The seed sown on the path is the one who hears the word of the kingdom without understanding it, and the evil one comes and steals away what was sown in his heart. The seed sown on rocky ground is the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy. But he has no root and lasts only for a time. When some tribulation or persecution comes because of the word, he immediately falls away. The seed sown among thorns is the one who hears the word, but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches choke the word and it bears no fruit. But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold."

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First of all, let me begin today's post with a very BIG thank you for all the people who prayed for my attending the Jesuit Vocation Seminar. I am very happy that this blog serves as a venue for some people to seek God and at the same time join me in my prayers for my discernment process. Today's seminar was held at the CLC Building, Ateneo de Manila University.

For quite a while, I have been given the chance to interact with members of the Society, and for some weird reason I haven't been given the grace to formally start my vocation discernment. With today's seminar I am very happy that God had finally allowed me to take this first formal step into the journey towards my vocation.

As I made my way to the Ateneo, I was not very sure what to expect. Much so with what to feel after I had gone through the talks, the videos and the sharings from different members of the Society. But I am again very thankful because of the depth with which this call had made itself felt within my soul. I am very happy to feel the call intensify.

Bro. Harvey Mateo, SJ (our group facilitator), my co-participants Mark and Lear, me.

Many thoughts circulated during the seminar, but most especially with how I view my own spirituality. These questions were particularly in my mind, and I would like to enumerate them one by one:

1) Am I too proud of the spiritual growth that I feel I have attained? It is understandable that the opportunity to attend the seminar was presented to each of us participants during the different phases of our own individual discernment processes. But this is what I dread to feel: feeling too confident of the knowledge that my personal search, apart from activities such as this seminar, has allowed me to know.

You see, with this discernment thing, my inner curiosity has propelled me to seek more information about the vocation, and particularly, about the Society and Ignatian spirituality. Sometimes, even coincidence (therefore God's will)!

Just yesterday, as I was accompanying my seminarian-brother to buy his prayerbook at the local Catholic bookstore, we qualified for a free-book promo, and we were given a chance to choose a title. I randomly chose "Men of God, Men for Others" without really knowing what the book might be about. I then found out that it was a book of transcribed interviews with Fr. Peter-Hans Kolvenbach, SJ; the former Superior-General of the Society! And the book, in particular, was about the Jesuits! Reading the book proved to be an enjoyable and enlightening experience, yet my inner feelings were at it again. I knew I had to attend the vocation seminar. But I am still very thankful to God for giving the opportunity to have the book. However, nonetheless, I really pray for the grace to humbly get to know His call and His Society one step at a time.

As I have seen today, books can only do so much to inform me of the things I seek.

2) Am I ready to leave everything and die for Christ? I believe that every journey towards attaining perfect Christian spirituality starts with the process of signing away one's rights and privileges, and giving up every single part of oneself to God. With the lessons that God has given to me today, I am really praying hard. I am praying hard for the grace to attain enough humility so that I may accomplish all measures necessary to give up everything for God.

Martyrdom also came to the fore, and I was deeply inspired and at the same time, honestly disturbed. For one, I know that at this point in my life I am not yet ready to die for Christ. There are still so many things to accomplish before I can give them up. What's to give up without really accomplishing anything anyway?

But I was also inspired. With the life experiences that I had related to my spiritual director two days ago, I felt that these type of experiences may really pave the way to preparing a person for a possible religious vocation. Nevertheless, at the end of the seminar, I came into this point: not yet. My previous posts will not fail in reminding me and everyone this fact: I have to be a skilled laborer. A physician, before being a religious.

3) How do I know myself? I love what one sharer told us: you are like a set of ingredients which can be mixed and cooked to make only one dish. What dish am I? God has presented before me the different ingredients--my life experiences--which He had allowed me to possess. What would I make out of these?

Today's Gospel reminds us of the value of becoming receptive to God's message, and actually standing up for what God is calling us to do. I am thankful that God has allowed to scatter the seeds, and allow so much as one seed to germinate in me. The question however remains: will I let it grow? And what fruit, if ever it grows, will this seed produce in me?

Participants of today's Vocation Seminar, with the Seminar Team and the Prenovices of the Arvisu House Jesuit Prenovitiate, Quezon City.

Please continue to pray for me. And rest assured, to all who read this humble web log, that I am praying for you. Thank you very much.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, Saint Francis Xavier and Blessed Peter Favre, more than ever, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://donaldb.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/sower.jpg

Martyrdom, Omniscience, Docility

2008-07-12T22:35:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 10:24-33

Jesus said to his Apostles: "No disciple is above his teacher, no slave above his master. It is enough for the disciple that he become like his teacher, for the slave that he become like his master. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebul, how much more those of his household!

"Therefore do not be afraid of them. Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known. What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light; what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.

And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in Gehenna. Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father's knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. But whoever denies me before others, I will deny before my heavenly Father."

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I am very overwhelmed by today's passage. It speaks much of different yet interrelated points I have to pay attention to in my current discernment process.

One of the themes which struck me in today's Gospel is the passage on the immortality of the soul and the gift of martyrdom. "And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in Gehenna. Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. " This passage has inspired countless Christians with its challenge to offer their lives to Christ. Indeed, many have died and spilled their blood to prove that there can be nothing that would separate them from their faith in Jesus Christ. How are we ready to die for Jesus?

Another is that of God's omniscience--His all-knowingness. "Even all the hairs of your head are counted." Imagine how He knows each one of us, He even knows how many are our hairs, and I assume, He even knows the number of our cells and how they do their work inside our bodies! No wonder the Lord is a great Physician!

Finally, I would have to dwell on the virtue of docility, the willingness to learn: as children of God, we have to allow opportunities to learn. "No disciple is above his teacher, no slave above his master." It is all too tempting to resist being taught by other more authoritative people when we claim to have been through quite a lot of spiritual direction, devotions, prayers, etc. This is especially true when we adopt a "holier-than-thou" attitude: claiming our holiness as superior to that of other people. We sometimes shrug our shoulders and claim to know the things that God thinks we still need to master. And some of these things can be quite fundamental: stuff like simple forgiveness, humility, love, purity, among others.

What do we need to learn? If God nudges us and tells us that He has something more to teach us, how do we behave? Do we whine, claiming we know this and that already? Or we humbly listen?

Lord, teach us to listen. Teach us to learn.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits:
http://www.lincstrust.org.uk/factsheets/nestbox/sparrows.jpg, http://lh3.ggpht.com/_cmtuJxGbpac/Rl9OWD7n-6I/AAAAAAAAADQ/l4DfrWP2_5k/DSCN3529.JPG

Prayer, Work and Peace

2008-07-12T00:04:00.006+08:00

MATTHEW 10:16-23

Jesus said to his Apostles:
“Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves.

But beware of men, for they will hand you over to courts and scourge you in their synagogues, and you will be led before governors and kings for my sake as a witness before them and the pagans.

When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be given at that moment what you are to say. For it will not be you who speak but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

Brother will hand over brother to death, and the father his child; children will rise up against parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by all because of my name, but whoever endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in one town, flee to another.

Amen, I say to you, you will not finish the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes.”

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I always pray for the strength to leave everything when that day comes that God finally grants the grace to let me follow Him. But somehow, right now, I am given the chance to preview what such a life entails: persecution, spiritual warfare, amongst others. Every time I go to mass, I imagine how the celebrant tries to enliven the presence of God in his life, and I really pray that his life may mirror that of Christ: serving God with obedience, purity and zeal.

I just came from another session with my spiritual director just this afternoon. I was given the chance to relate my vocation story as it unfolded through the years. With the upcoming vocation seminar this Sunday, I hope and pray that that venue would be a good place for me to process my life experiences.

"Be shrewd like serpents and simple as doves." In today's Gospel, Jesus tells us that following Him does not only entail espousing the virtue of humility. It is not enough for us to be humble. We must also be wise, and work for ingenious ways of serving God. How do we choose to serve God? Faithful service, as Jesus revealed to us today, is serving Him wisely and in the best manner possible.

Today is the feast day of Saint Benedict, whose spirituality is summed up by these three words: prayer, work and peace. His example must inspire us to work for the glory of God, through prayer and sacrifice. And of course, Saint Benedict is known for teaching about the value of maintaining peace and that all of us must work for peace. I firmly believe that whenever we pray the Lord's Prayer, as we pray that part that says, "Your Kingdom come", we are actually praying for strength and will to work for the establishment of God's Kingdom here on earth. Let us do just that.

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Saint Benedict and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.cts.edu/ImageLibrary/Images/story/send.jpg, http://www.whitewingsnydovereleases.com/images/Color_card_dove_pix.jpg, http://ad-orientem.blogspot.com/2007/03/st-benedict-of-nursia-father-of-western.html

Without Cost

2008-07-10T11:37:00.002+08:00

MATTHEW 10:7-15

Jesus said to his Apostles:

"As you go, make this proclamation: ‘The Kingdom of heaven is at hand.' Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, drive out demons.

Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give.

Do not take gold or silver or copper for your belts; no sack for the journey, or a second tunic, or sandals, or walking stick. The laborer deserves his keep.

Whatever town or village you enter, look for a worthy person in it, and stay there until you leave. As you enter a house, wish it peace. If the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; if not, let your peace return to you.

Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words—go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet. Amen, I say to you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town."

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I noticed that one classmate of mine had been wearing a black scrub top to class instead of the prescribed white uniform. It then occurred to me that his father just died.

I and that classmate of mine aren't really close, although we attended college in the same block and attended most of our pre-medical courses together. Somehow, there still lies the difficulty of coming up to him and offering condolences. There's this Filipino trait of pagkailang, in which a certain person finds it difficult dealing with other persons one normally does not deal with.

Right now, I feel the urge to pray for him and his family. But prayers must be put into action.

Today's Gospel highlights this message: "Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give."

In the same manner, I have not been friends with the Lord the first time He called me, and yet He has received me; now, this person and I may not be friends, and without that cost of having a prior friendship with him, I must give him comfort and strength.

Eternal rest, grant unto thy faithful departed O Lord

And let perpetual light shine upon them

May they rest in peace, Amen.

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Saint Ignatius, pray for us.

Curing Every Disease and Illness

2008-07-09T12:06:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 10:1-7

Jesus summoned his Twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits to drive them out and to cure every disease and every illness. The names of the Twelve Apostles are these: first, Simon called Peter, and his brother Andrew; James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother John; Philip and Bartholomew, Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus; Simon the Cananean, and Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus. Jesus sent out these Twelve after instructing them thus, "Do not go into pagan territory or enter a Samaritan town. Go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. As you go, make this proclamation: ‘The Kingdom of heaven is at hand.'"

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Right now, I am trying to recover from the trauma of reading lists of names.

You see, with the exam I flunked yesterday, I am quite feeling the same old feeling of sadness and disappointment: feelings that are quite usual for students in the College of Medicine. But I am praying hard that I may not dwell on those feelings but choose instead to find consolation in Christ, and to offer my efforts to God, no matter how deficient and unexcellent they may seem to be.

I pray that in the end, God may give me the authority to drive out demons and more importantly, to cure every disease and illness.

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Saint Giuseppe Moscati and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.dkimages.com/discover/previews/741/170567.JPG

Make Me A Skilled Laborer

2008-07-08T13:45:00.005+08:00

MATTHEW 9:32-38

A demoniac who could not speak was brought to Jesus, and when the demon was driven out the mute man spoke. The crowds were amazed and said, "Nothing like this has ever been seen in Israel." But the Pharisees said, "He drives out demons by the prince of demons."

Jesus went around to all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the Gospel of the Kingdom, and curing every disease and illness. At the sight of the crowds, his heart was moved with pity for them because they were troubled and abandoned, like sheep without a shepherd.

Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few; so ask the master of the harvest to send out laborers for his harvest."

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I just sat for my oncology (the study of cancers) exam this morning and attended what we in the College of Medicine call the feedback session wherein the answers to the exam questions are announced. While I was keeping track of the correct and wrong choices I answered in the test, it just occurred to me that I am just a number of points shy of passing the exam. I am still hoping though, that my answers in the bonus questions would enable me to pass nonetheless. Please pray for me, I still have a lot to learn.

I figured that if I am called by the Master, I must be skilled first. How can I be a good doctor if I keep on failing my exams? How can I answer God's call generously if I am to only fail Him because of my incapacities?

Help me to strive to be more, Lord. Help me to strive for Magis.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola and Saint Jean Marie Vianney, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/48/151239391_3588dff474.jpg?v=0

The Fine Line

2008-07-07T11:46:00.004+08:00

MATTHEW 9:18-26

And he was speaking these things unto them, behold a certain ruler came up, and adored him, saying: Lord, my daughter is even now dead; but come, lay thy hand upon her, and she shall live. And Jesus rising up followed him, with his disciples.

And behold a woman who was troubled with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment. For she said within herself: If I shall touch only his garment, I shall be healed. But Jesus turning and seeing her, said: Be of good heart, daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.

And when Jesus was come into the house of the ruler, and saw the minstrels and the multitude making a rout, He said: Give place, for the girl is not dead, but sleepeth. And they laughed him to scorn. And when the multitude was put forth, he went in, and took her by the hand. And the maid arose. And the fame hereof went abroad into all that country.

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I don't know why it already comes naturally to me avoiding advances of women whom I feel to be feigning closeness with me. Filipino culture conveniently terms this as "feeling close," people who are trying to act as though one person has a close relationship with another.

Just now, I have to admit being a bit uncomfortable, when I, scanning the Internet for vocation blogs, was approached by a female friend whom I relate to in much more civil terms. But lo, she laid her hands on my shoulders, something which I would only expect to receive from a member of my family. Perhaps it is my conservative upbringing that made me feel this, or then again, as my sister jokingly would tell me, I seem to preserve myself too much. It seemed to her that I was too conscious of my preparation of responding to God's call.

How do I relate with women? God has given me the grace of having sisters within the family, and a mother so close to me. Through time, family life has taught me a lot about how to relate with women: knowing what matters most to them and getting into what their interests and skills are. And yet, there are still some instances that I feel things are getting too close. I don't know, if it is a defense mechanism or an aspect of my personality. I am quite known in class for being selectively open with my dealings with others.

In the context of praying for my vocation, I really pray to God that He grant me favorable attitudes of dealing with other people. If I am indeed called to His service, I really feel that I have to be renewed, and I have to be skilled in my relationships with others. This calls to mind how Saint Francis Xavier, in his dealings with the people with whom he sailed to the East, managed to spread the Word among known sinners, drunkards and scalawags. He wouldn't be able to spread the Word so well had it not been through his charisma and his acceptance of other people.

But somehow, there must be a fine line between acceptance of other people's personalities and assertion of one's established beliefs. While being open towards the cultures and sensibilities of the peoples he evangelized, Saint Francis Xavier must have been an assertive missionary, prayerfully moving towards his goal of leading the peoples of the East to Christ.

The Gospel for today tells us how Jesus felt the touch of the woman with the hemorrhage.

Am I personifying Christ so much so that other people are wanting to get close to me, and in the process getting close to Christ?

How do I deal with people who are out to get close with me, for an apparently different reason other than getting close to Christ?

How do I set the fine line between acceptance of others and asserting one's faith in Christian chastity?

How do I deal with others who are seeking Christ?
I pray that through the intercession of Saint Francis Xavier, I may be able to know how.

Today is the feast of the Chinese martyrs, the fruits of Saint Francis Xavier's efforts and the efforts of countless missionaries through the centuries. May their intercession bolster us in the faith of Jesus Christ.

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All Chinese Catholic martyrs and Saint Francis Xavier, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://oneyearbibleimages.com/jesus_tassles.jpg, http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3e/ Detail_-_Glory_of_St_Francis_Xavier_-_Rubens_-_1617_-_KHM_-_Vienna.JPG, http://www.smcenter.org/chinese_martyrs.htm

A Relatively Eventful Day

2008-07-06T22:30:00.005+08:00

MATTHEW 11:25-30

At that time Jesus answered and said: I confess to thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them to the little ones.
Yea, Father; for so hath it seemed good in thy sight.

All things are delivered to me by my Father. And no one knoweth the Son, but the Father: neither doth any one know the Father, but the Son, and he to whom it shall please the Son to reveal him.

Come to me, all you that labour, and are burdened, and I will refresh you. Take up my yoke upon you, and learn of me, because I am meek, and humble of heart: and you shall find rest to your souls. For my yoke is sweet and my burden light.

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I can quite conclude that today was a very eventful day.

After attending the Mass (we were late!) at my youngest brother's minor seminary for their monthly family day, we spent the day laughing at the antics of the seminarians as they opened their seminary sports fest with what they called cheering: the groups dancing to drums or someone mimicking a drum roll and dance music on the microphone.

My brother told us that the performances they have prepared were quite not the cheering performances we were expecting of these supposedly competitive seminarians. As we discovered, they really had fun and made fun of themselves in a very nice way.

The sports fest then started with a basketball game. Sadly, my brother's team lost. We then bade farewell, as the seminarians prepared for afternoon benediction.

All things went well, as we said the daily rosary plying the route towards the boarding house, when we felt something breaking within the van: it was something like a garter cutting off in its stretched state. We then felt our vehicle decelerating and out of our control. Thank God my dad was able to pull over at the right place.

My dad then looked for people to help. My mother and two sisters went ahead for home, while I and my other brother remained to keep watch. I was praying hard and tried saying my rosary and invoking the intercession of my patron saints.

After almost half an hour, my father arrived with mechanics and a jeepney driver who seemed to be drunk. Apparently my father saw them as they were drinking on the sidewalk (a common practice here in the Philippines).

Although I was quite uncomfortable seeing people under the influence of alcohol trying to fix the van, the peace that the rosaries gave me somehow helped me have peace of mind. Thankfully they were sober enough to see what really happened with the van: the belts in the engine were torn. My dad then decided to have the van towed to the parking lot of his office.

I am really thankful to God how things worked out. In relation to today's Gospel, the experience of having one's vehicle break down on a person is quite a stressful experience. But as God's grace led us to solving the problem, I realized how God can be so good to the people who rely on Him. No matter how people attribute the occurrence of blessings and miracles to mere chance, I still believe in God. And I believe He loves me and He really gives weary and heavy laden people rest.

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Welcoming patients and guests to the Johns Hopkins Hospital is this statue of Christ, with the words of today's Gospel inscribed on it. How do we manage to leave all our cares and worries to Him? And more importantly, how do we offer our lives to Him?

Saint Maria Goretti, today's saint, tells us how, in her unique and heroic way: by dying instead of being stained with sin.

In an attempt of one of her companions at home to molest her, she resisted and preferred being killed rather than commit sin. She died on this day in 1902 and was canonized 48 years later, with her mother present in the ceremony.

One of the greatest miracles produced by her sanctity was the conversion of the person who killed her--Alessandro Serenelli--who eventually entered the Capuchin order.

Saint Maria Goretti, help us to live lives of chastity. Amen.

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Saint Maria Goretti and Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, patrons of today's youth, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://tracking-the-rogue-yam.blogspot.com/2007/07/dome-and-rotunda-reveal-jesus.html, http://www.passiochristi.org/Documents/Santi%20Passionisti/Goretti2.jpg

Am I A Good Wineskin?

2008-07-05T19:27:00.005+08:00

MATTHEW 9:14-17

Then came to him the disciples of John, saying: Why do we and the Pharisees fast often, but thy disciples do not fast? And Jesus said to them: Can the children of the bridegroom mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? But the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken away from them, and then they shall fast.

And nobody putteth a piece of raw cloth unto an old garment. For it taketh away the fullness thereof from the garment, and there is made a greater rent. Neither do they put new wine into old bottles. Otherwise the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish. But new wine they put into new bottles: and both are preserved.

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This morning I met some Jesuits in the Ateneo. It was enlightening to hear the story of one of them who actually finished med school and entered the Society. Things, however, were different in his case--he did not actively pursue answering his call until after graduation and into his residency. He did not have avenues like blogging to meditate and write his thoughts about his vocation. It sure is astonishing how God molds those whom He has called into His service.

Gradually, as he became immersed in the Jesuit way of life, his views and perspectives began to change. He had to admit that his views were not as they were when he was still in med school, especially his views on the worldly elements of contemporary culture: sex, violence and vice. He was once open to them; after all he really did not seriously consider responding to the call as a Jesuit. But he just felt God getting into his thoughts and feelings; one day, he just felt that the call wasn't to be ignored any longer.

I once again reflected on how I am considering my vocation. My mom arrived from the province last night, and we had some time discussing about my vocation. as I may have said before in some previous posts, my mom was quite supportive of my vocation. She was interested how I am to pursue it, after my graduation from med school of course.

Mentioning my mom made me think about a particular saint, whose feast day the Church celebrates today: Saint Anthony Zaccaria. He was said to be a mama's boy, which I also was, being the eldest. Because his father died quite early, he was left to the care of his mother until he grew up. He was also a former medical student like me, earning his MD degree in Padua, but he opted to leave the medical profession and enter the seminary to be a priest. He died in 1539.

However inspired I am by his example, I still feel my calling within the medical field, and I am interested how God would make me a full-time servant of His while being a doctor. Please pray for me that I may pass my exams and become a full-fledged doctor. I feel that it is only then that my parents would grant me freedom to do whatever I want to serve God.

Today's Gospel tells me about how I have to allow God to revolutionize my prayer and personal life. If I am to accept Christ and vow myself to serve Him faithfully until death, what do I have to change? What are my wineskins? Will I hold the Wine well enough?

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Saint Anthony Zaccaria and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.jcgroup.co.za/images/Wineskins.jpg, http://www.livingwatercommunity.com/saiints/st%20anthony%20zaccaria.jpg, http://www2.creighton.edu/fileadmin/user/IPF/images/mystical_supper.jpg

Leaving Everything: When?

2008-07-04T15:49:00.004+08:00

MATTHEW 9:9-13

And when Jesus passed on from hence, he saw a man sitting in the custom house, named Matthew; and he saith to him: Follow me. And he rose up and followed him. And it came to pass as he was sitting at meat in the house, behold many publicans and sinners came, and sat down with Jesus and his disciples.
And the Pharisees seeing it, said to his disciples: Why doth your master eat with publicans and sinners? But Jesus hearing it, said: They that are in health need not a physician, but they that are ill. Go then and learn what this meaneth, I will have mercy and not sacrifice. For I am not come to call the just, but sinners.

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How should I relate with other people who are not believing in Christ, who fail to recognize the beauty of following Him, and who openly engage in sin?

Lord, help me to serve as a physician not only of the body, but also of the soul.

The homily for today's Mass echoed what many of my previous blog posts have reminded me without end: what stops me from fully following Christ? What stops me from leaving everything and following Him? When?

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Saint Matthew and Saint Francis Xavier, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a3/The_Calling_of_Saint_Matthew_by_Carvaggio.jpg/350px-The_Calling_of_Saint_Matthew_by_Carvaggio.jpg

Believing, Not Doubting

2008-07-03T16:16:00.002+08:00

JOHN 20: 24-28

Now Thomas, one of the twelve, who is called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples therefore said to him: We have seen the Lord.

But he said to them: Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.

And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them. Jesus cometh, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said: Peace be to you. Then he saith to Thomas: Put in thy finger hither, and see my hands; and bring hither thy hand, and put it into my side; and be not faithless, but believing.

Thomas answered, and said to him: My Lord, and my God.

Jesus saith to him: Because thou hast seen me, Thomas, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and have believed.

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My current crisis is not letting up yet. Help me pray for God's hope and strength. Let I not doubt, but ever believe in the saving Power of God.

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits:

http://cassandrapages.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/ 2008/03/17/duccio_doubting_thomas.jpg

Lord, I Need Thy Tight Embrace

2008-07-02T22:18:00.007+08:00

MATTHEW 8:28-34

When Jesus came to the territory of the Gadarenes, two demoniacs who were coming from the tombs met him. They were so savage that no one could travel by that road. They cried out, "What have you to do with us, Son of God? Have you come here to torment us before the appointed time?" Some distance away a herd of many swine was feeding. The demons pleaded with him, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of swine."

And he said to them, "Go then!"

They came out and entered the swine, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea where they drowned. The swineherds ran away, and when they came to the town they reported everything, including what had happened to the demoniacs. Thereupon the whole town came out to meet Jesus, and when they saw him they begged him to leave their district.

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I was not expecting the weight that this day will make me bear. Although I was ecstatic after experiencing God through my patient's faith, I am now quite downtrodden with how my father has informed us of our true financial situation.

To get me through med school and finance the college education of my brothers and sisters (we are five children, all in all) entails immense sacrifices on their part.

Just after the daily rosary, I was finally led to reveal a secret I hid from my father: that I lost one of my blood pressure gauges, which are quite expensive. I was in a great dilemma as to how to tell my father about the lost blood pressure gauge--it has been lost for more than a year.

Instantly my father bluntly told me point blank that I'll have to pray harder, or else I will have to stop medical school. Our finances, as he told me, are not keeping up with the escalating price of daily needs: food and utilities.

What was most painful is the fact that, because of the loss he has been led into thinking that I am not concerned about our financial circumstances.

Please help me pray for our financial affairs. This issue is so close to my heart: my eyes are drenched in tears as I type this entry.

Somehow this is connected with how I am discerning for my vocation; for as being the eldest son of the family I will have to exert extra effort for the finances of the family. Plans will have to be reconsidered, dreams may have to be shelved.

Will my attitude be like the Gadarenes of today's Gospel, who, after Jesus' healing of the two demoniacs, drove Him out of their territory? He may have been a threat to their economic success, imagine such unbelievable event happening in their town.

Likewise, God's call may be perceived by others as something that takes something away, instead of adding something into their lives.

In the context of my current circumstances, will I curse the darkness, blame God and taunt Him, as the demons of today's Gospel have done? Or seek healing?

Please continue to pray for me.

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This song is a personal prayer for me: that the Voice of God serve as a way for my wounds and the wounds of others to be fully healed.

Awit ng Paghilom (Song of Healing)
Hangad
(with my unauthorized English translation from the Filipino original)

Panginoon ko, hanap-hanap Ka ng puso,
My Lord, my heart yearns for You
Tinig Mo'y isang awit paghilom.
Your Voice is a song of healing

Ang baling ng aking diwa ay sa 'Yo,
My soul relies upon You
H'wag nawang pababayaang masiphayo.
Let not my trust in You be in vain
Ikaw ang buntong hininga ng buhay;
You are the Breath of Life
Dulot Mo'y kapayapaan, pag-ibig.
That brings peace and love

Ako'y akayin sa daang matuwid.
Direct me through straight paths
H'wag nawang pahintulutang mabighani.
Let not I be attracted
Sa panandalian at huwad na rilag
To such transitory and false honor
Ikaw ang aking tanging Tagapagligtas.
Only You are my Savior

Sigwa sa 'king kalooban 'Yong masdan.
Look into the passion within my self
Pahupain ang bugso ng kalungkutan.
Comfort the storm of loneliness within
Yakapin ng buong higpit 'Yong anak
Envelop Your child in such a tight embrace
Nang mayakap din ang bayan Mong ibig.
That Your nation may too feel Your arms.

Awit Ng Paghilom - Hangad

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Saint Bernardino Realino, Jesuit lawyer, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/ 0/06/Duc_De_Berry_-_Besessener.jpg/180px-Duc_De_Berry_-_Besessener.jpg, http://www.marilynspoetry.com/view/uploads/ Someday_with_Jesus_Moon_&_Back_..._Danny_H._February.jpg, http://transfigurations.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html

Fullness of Life

2008-07-01T21:44:00.007+08:00

MATTHEW 8:23-27

And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, "Save, Lord; we are perishing." And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O men of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, "What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?"

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"Why are you afraid?"

In our journey towards offering our lives to Christ, God may have been telling us to brave storms, walk on the water and do a leap of faith in order that we encounter Him fully.

Just like how the apostles, in their failure to count on the saving Presence of Jesus. Even if storms are to weaken our resolve in following Him, are we courageous enough to count on Him? Trust in Him? Pray to Him?

What makes us hesitate to confidently walk on the water? What would make us fall?

Lord, help us to fully experience You, and to trust in Your Saving Grace. Amen.

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One of my favorite songs, this song captures my desire to fully experience Him and acknowledge Him as the Fullness of my life.

Pagsibol
Himig Heswita - Jesuit Music Ministry
(with my unauthorized English translation from the Filipino original)

Bawat huni ng ibon sa pagihip ng amihan
In every song that birds sing as the wind blows northward
wangis mo'y aking natatanaw
Your face I see
Pagdampi ng umaga sa nanlamig kong kalamnan
As the morning shines on my shivering being
init mo'y pangarap kong hagkan
I hope and long for your warmth to kiss

Panginoon ikaw ang kasibulan ng buhay
Lord, you are from which life grows forth
puso'y dalisay kailanpaman
a heart so pure, forevermore
ipahintulot mong ako'y mapahandusay
may you grant that I may fall in ecstacy
sa sumasaibayong kaginhawahan
in the deep repose that you offer

Nangungulilang malay binulungan ng tinig mo
A greaving soul that has heard your whisper
nagdulot ng katiwasayan
has given inner peace
paghahanap katwiran nilusaw mo sa simbuyong
The search for justice you have melted in its passion
karilagan ng pagmamahal
such beautiful love!

Panginoon ikaw ang kasibulan ng buhay
Lord, you are from which life grows forth
puso'y dalisay kailanpaman
a heart so pure, forevermore
ipahintulot mong ako'y mapahandusay
may you grant that I may fall in ecstacy
sa sumasaibayong kaginhawahan
in the deep repose that you offer

dalangin pa sana'y mapagtanto kong tunay
May I too get to know truly
kaganapan ng buhay ko'y ikaw lamang
that you alone are the fullness of my life

Pagsibol - Various Artists

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://revprs.blogspot.com/2007/07/jesus-calms-storm.html, http://archives.zinester.com/90798/76033/107750_sprout.jpg

I Must Love

2008-06-30T12:46:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 8: 18-22

When Jesus saw a crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side. A scribe approached and said to him, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus answered him, "Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head." Another of (his) disciples said to him, "Lord, let me go first and bury my father." But Jesus answered him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead."

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I just sat for my infectious diseases exam this morning. I thank all those who have prayed for me, and rest assured that I am praying for all readers of this blog.

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This morning, I realized how difficult it must be to maintain one's dedication to Christ. I have been praying to God for the grace to leave everything and follow Him, but I am tempted to consider my weaknesses too much. I may have fallen a number of times because of my innate human weaknesses, a cross that God has given me to bear.

What are my excuses for delaying His call? I need not yet drop out of med school and enter a seminary to follow God's current call for me. If I am to strive for excellentia ad majorem Dei gloriam, I must find God first in the people and situations around me. I need to focus myself on serving Him by doing well in my studies and in my dealings with my patients. I must study hard to help them better. I must serve my parents and help them to bring up my brothers and sisters as truly devoted Christians.

Above all, I must love.

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Today is the feast of the Martyrs of the Church of Rome. May our brothers and sisters pray for us, who are now in the midst of worldly confusion. May their example bolster our drive to follow Christ, no matter what this will take.

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Saint Jean de Brebeuf, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.eborg3.com/Graphics/Bible/66-Revelation/Rev18/Jesus-Apostles-03.jpg, http://www.catholicculture.org/liturgicalyear/pictures/6_30_martyrs_rome2.jpg

Step by Step

2008-06-28T21:00:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 8:5-17

When Jesus entered Capernaum, a centurion approached him and appealed to him, saying, "Lord, my servant is lying at home paralyzed, suffering dreadfully." He said to him, "I will come and cure him."

The centurion said in reply, "Lord, I am not worthy to have you enter under my roof; only say the word and my servant will be healed. For I too am a man subject to authority, with soldiers subject to me. And I say to one, ‘Go,' and he goes; and to another, ‘Come here,' and he comes; and to my slave, ‘Do this,' and he does it."

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, "Amen, I say to you, in no one in Israel have I found such faith. I say to you, many will come from the east and the west, and will recline with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob at the banquet in the Kingdom of heaven, but the children of the Kingdom will be driven out into the outer darkness, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth."

And Jesus said to the centurion, "You may go; as you have believed, let it be done for you." And at that very hour his servant was healed.

Jesus entered the house of Peter, and saw his mother-in-law lying in bed with a fever. He touched her hand, the fever left her, and she rose and waited on him. When it was evening, they brought him many who were possessed by demons, and he drove out the spirits by a word and cured all the sick, to fulfill what had been said by Isaiah the prophet: He took away our infirmities and bore our diseases.

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The prophecy of Isaiah makes a very interesting point about how Jesus was called: as the One taking away our infirmities and bearing our diseases.

I pray to God for a faith as strong as that of the centurion. It may have taken Him quite a difficult time trying to rely on God's word alone, but in the end, God's word prevailed.

How much do I trust God about His plans for me? Am I planning ahead too much for my state in life?

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Also, I have an exam on infectious diseases on Monday. Please pray for me.

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I am very happy. I already met my new spiritual director (I will abbreviate this as SD), after not being able to seek direction for the past few months. Throughout last year I had been seeing a Dominican spiritual director and I fondly remember those times that I discussed how God makes me feel His call to service.

But, as I recounted my experiences and convictions to my new SD, this time a Jesuit, God has given me a new call: to discern His call step by step.

All along I may have been meditating about affairs that may merit my attention in the distant future: stuff like intersecting my desires and the needs of His people. I can't help it. But right now, I feel that God is telling me to reorient my journey and climb the ladder towards fully answering His call one step at a time.

One of the concrete things that my SD told me to achieve was this: attend first a vocation seminar. I have read a lot about vocation, in the process of writing this blog and as I interacted with various people discerning about a vocation, like in the Holy Vocations blog. But my SD strongly suggested that a vocation seminar would set my perspective and at the same time, delineate better what God wants to happen in my life.

But the vocation seminar would be held at a date that I am not sure I am free.

Please help me pray for God's will. Please help me pray for the ability to attend that seminar.

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John Brown, SJ gave me a very beautiful icon depicting Our Lord, Our Lady of the Way, and Saint Ignatius of Loyola. I am still waiting for his permission to post it onto this blog.

Thank you Brother!

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Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.lifeasachristianwoman.com/wp-content/uploads/Jesus_healing.jpg, http://www.hinduonnet.com/thehindu/mag/2007/06/10/images/2007061050110601.jpg

The Continuing Struggle to be Magis

2008-06-27T22:48:00.008+08:00

MATTHEW 8:1-4

When Jesus came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And then a leper approached, did him homage, and said, "Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean." He stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, "I will do it. Be made clean." His leprosy was cleansed immediately. Then Jesus said to him, "See that you tell no one, but go show yourself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses prescribed; that will be proof for them."

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I just sat once again for an exam, this time in microbiology. It had a difficult time trying to recall the structure of fungi and the tests being done for identifying different disease-causing microbes in the blood.

This once again lead me to such a fear I have dreaded for quite some time: failing an exam.

And this once again catapulted me to one very profound memory: how my mother cried the day before my 21st birthday while trying to tell me I ought to excel in my studies. She told me how this would make her happy, notwithstanding the hardships and sacrifices that they have to undergo in educating us.

She already knew that one of my heart's desires is to serve the Lord with all my heart and vowing my all to His Service, but I didn't want to fail her.

Today's Gospel echoes my prayer: "Lord, if You wish, You can make me clean."

You can make me pass, and make me a physician competent enough to serve Your people.
You can make me pure, and make me a servant of Yours ever worthy to bring Your saving grace to them.
You can make me holy, so that one day I may see Your Holy Face.

Let my struggle for Magis take me to greater heights: to Heaven!

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Today is the Feast of the Blessed Mother under the title "Mother of Perpetual Help." My Mother, grant that I may only seek the help of your Son, through your powerful intercession. Grant that through my grades I may concretely love my mother and the rest of my family more. Amen.

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Our Lady of the Way, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://oneyearbibleimages.com/jesus_leper.jpg, http://www.rosariesforourlady.com/Images/OurLadyPerpetualHelp1.jpg, http://norprov.org/spirituality/images/ignatiusofferssword.jpg, http://locationcarolina.com/images/lowndes_grove_spiral_stairway.jpg

Building a Stronger Foundation

2008-06-26T18:27:00.004+08:00

MATTHEW 7:21-29

"Not every one who says to me, `Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

On that day many will say to me, `Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name? And then will I declare to them, `I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers.'

"Every one then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock; and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

And every one who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand; and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell; and great was the fall of it."

And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching, for he taught them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes.

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The painful happened last night. After a night of hectic schedules, papers to prepare and patient cases to study, I succumbed to my human weakness and committed a sin that made me seek God's forgiveness this morning.

God reminded me through the priest to whom I confessed my sins the value of conversion and building a strong foundation for my faith.

If I am to serve God someday, will I be able to practice what I preach? This is parallel to my post yesterday.

I may be only human, winning and losing battles, but in the end, I am certain that a great Reward awaits those who make this unsung journey.

Please continue to pray for my struggle.

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Today is the feast of one of the saints from which I derive inspiration: Saint Josemaria Escriva. I pray that through his example of finding God in all things, I may be able to seek God, and remember Him in all the things I do.

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Saint Josemaria Escriva and Saint Ignatius of Loyola, my inspirations in finding God in all things, pray for us.

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photo credits:
http://motronsoft.com/Gallery/albums/xinjiang/SandHouse.jpg, http://www.marygrove.edu/facilities/images/details/confessional.jpg, http://www.opusdei.us/image/camp.jpg

Practice What You Preach

2008-06-25T12:37:00.005+08:00

MATTHEW 7:15-20

Jesus said to his disciples: "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will know them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Just so, every good tree bears good fruit, and a rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them."

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How do we become worthy preachers of God's Word? When we practice what we preach!

This is the essence of today's Gospel.

Shall we allow to be branded as wolves in sheep's clothing, ready to devour on any unsuspecting sheep?

Let us prayerfully meditate on what God wants us to be: as faithful Christians willing to stand up for our faith in Jesus Christ.

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I just shook the hand of one of our speakers, a person with HIV, today after her talk on HIV/AIDS in our Infectious Diseases module.

It was heartwarming, especially after meditating on what our speaker went through.

What have we done to ease the pain that others bear?

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Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://umbn.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/wolf_in_sheeps_clothing.jpg, http://blog.ecr.co.za/newswatch/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/ribbon.jpg

Herald the Coming of Christ!

2008-06-24T22:08:00.004+08:00

LUKE 1:57-66, 80

When the time arrived for Elizabeth to have her child she gave birth to a son. Her neighbors and relatives heard that the Lord had shown his great mercy toward her, and they rejoiced with her.

When they came on the eighth day to circumcise the child, they were going to call him Zechariah after his father, but his mother said in reply, "No. He will be called John."

But they answered her, "There is no one among your relatives who has this name." So they made signs, asking his father what he wished him to be called.

He asked for a tablet and wrote, "John is his name," and all were amazed. Immediately his mouth was opened, his tongue freed, and he spoke blessing God. Then fear came upon all their neighbors, and all these matters were discussed throughout the hill country of Judea.

All who heard these things took them to heart, saying, "What, then, will this child be?" For surely the hand of the Lord was with him.

The child grew and became strong in spirit, and he was in the desert until the day of his manifestation to Israel.

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Today is the Feast of the Birth of John the Baptist. It is notable that only two saints are given the dignity of being celebrated on the days of their birth: we celebrate the birth of the Blessed Mother on September 8, and we celebrate John the Baptist today.

In the Philippines, and especially in the City of San Juan, a suburb of Manila, there is a tradition in which passersby and unsuspecting pedestrians and commuters are being sprinkled, others even doused, by water, to remind them of their baptism.

Today's feast reminds me of this: a mission to herald the coming of Christ.

John the Baptist can be considered one of a kind due to the fact that his birth ushered in the coming of the Savior. He must have been given the privilege to recognize the Messiah early on, even as he was in the womb of his mother Elizabeth! He leaped in joy within the womb of his mother when Our Lady visited them. This shows us the extraordinary destiny John the Baptist is called to.

John's world must have been too chaotic. The Jews were only grudgingly forced to accept the rule of the Roman Empire, and there may have been discussion going on as to when the Messiah was to arrive. This backdrop set the stage for the role that John was to play in the coming of the Messiah.

We too are faced with a very confusing world, reeking of immorality and lack of social conscience. This sets for us a perfect backdrop for us to imitate the example of John: preparing the way for the Lord and setting straight His paths.

John however suffered dearly in heralding the coming of Christ: it cost his life.

How much are we willing to risk?

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I just came from group ward work at the hospital where I and my classmates encountered a patient with quite a lot of concomitant illnesses, among them diabetes and asthma. Interacting with her bantay (caretaker relative) revealed a lot about how God's love brightens up the sick and the sorrowing.

It appeared that our patient was not an avid churchgoer. Talking to her otherwise very religious bantay inspired me to tell our patient to trust God and He will do the rest.

"Magtiwala po lagi sa Panginoon, ha? Mag-pray po lagi! God bless po! (Always trust in the Lord, OK? Always pray! God bless you, ma'am)" I gently advised our patient.

"Amen, Amen," our smiling patient then replied. That was one of the few times I saw her smile during our encounter with her.

Blogging here on this website suddenly made me remember this one question the bantay posed to me as I was advising her on prayer and healing.

After telling the bantay how to inspire our patient to pray the Rosary, she suddenly asked me: "What congregation are you in?"

I simply answered, "Nagninilay pa lang po."

"I'm still meditating."

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Saint John the Baptist and Saint Francis Xavier, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://www.guggenheim.org/exhibitions/past_exhibitions/connecting_museums/images/kun_painting1.jpg, http://en.wikipilipinas.org/images/7/7d/San_juan_festivity1.jpg, http://farm1.static.flickr.com/111/299370405_e30b5ee8b8.jpg?v=0

Judging Others

2008-06-23T13:54:00.004+08:00

MATTHEW 7:1-5

Jesus said to his disciples: "Stop judging, that you may not be judged.
For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.
Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?
How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is in your eye?
You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye."

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How do I judge other people? I have been tempted a lot of times to judge other people too much when they say or do bad things to me. But am I any better?

I tend to tell bad things about others, and I often do it without even noticing it. When will be the time for such a thing to change?

If I am to work for God's Kingdom, what image should I project? What kind of person should I be?

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Saint Francis Borgia, pray for us.

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photo credits: http://uk.gizmodo.com/judge.jpg

Vengeance, Sacrifice and God's Love

2008-06-22T11:15:00.005+08:00

JEREMIAH 20:10-13

Jeremiah said: "I hear the whisperings of many: 'Terror on every side! Denounce! let us denounce him!' All those who were my friends are on the watch for any misstep of mine. 'Perhaps he will be trapped; then we can prevail, and take our vengeance on him.'

But the LORD is with me, like a mighty champion: my persecutors will stumble, they will not triumph. In their failure they will be put to utter shame, to lasting, unforgettable confusion.

O LORD of hosts, you who test the just, who probe mind and heart, let me witness the vengeance you take on them, for to you I have entrusted my cause. Sing to the LORD, praise the LORD, for he has rescued the life of the poor from the power of the wicked!"

ROMANS 5:12-15

Brothers and sisters: Through one man sin entered the world, and through sin, death, and thus death came to all men, inasmuch as all sinned -- for up to the time of the law, sin was in the world, though sin is not accounted when there is no law.

But death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who did not sin after the pattern of the trespass of Adam, who is the type of the one who was to come. But the gift is not like the transgression.

For if by the transgression of the one the many died, how much more did the grace of God and the gracious gift of the one man Jesus Christ overflow for the many.

MATTHEW 10:26-33

Jesus said to the Twelve: "Fear no one. Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known. What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light; what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.

And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in Gehenna.

Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father's knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. But whoever denies me before others, I will deny before my heavenly Father."

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Manila is now flooded due to Typhoon Frank. We walked to church with wet sandals and rolled-up pants as we prepared ourselves to partake of Christ in the Eucharist.

We were only able to attend 2/3 of the mass, the readings being over. The church was not full, in contrast to the overflowing number of people who would go to church every Sunday in very Catholic Philippines. This stormy Sunday, only a few pews were occupied.

It is nice to reflect on the fact that we attempted at reaching the church wading through the floods and taking risks on being exposed to possible disease, just to receive Jesus.

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The readings for this Sunday makes me reflect on three things: 1) the concept of vengeance, 2) Christ's sacrifice on the Cross, as it was compared to Adam's sin, and 3) God's omniscience, His being all-knowing.

VENGEANCE
"Vengeance is not ours, it's God's," so the old saying goes. The reading from Jeremiah makes me wonder how the Jews of the Old Testament view God's might and power: it makes me believe that they put their faith on a God who will exterminate their enemies and crush their persecutors. This is however easy to understand if we are to recall how the Jews were persecuted in their captivity in Egypt and by the Assyrian empire.

How do we view vengeance? As a way of exacting justice just to pacify our selfish yearning for revenge? Or an opportunity to behold the saving power of God that He may be worshipped and glorified?

Jeremiah, as I read the whole passage, had the right concept of revenge, and his heart is in the right place.

ADAM AND JESUS
He blew it! Just when Adam and Eve thought of how God blessed them abundantly: no need to hunt, no pain in childbirth, just don't eat that fruit in that cursed tree, he blew it.

But Jesus changed all that. It causes me to love Jesus more because of what He did for us: He had to die just to restore God's favor to His human creatures. Although God can only answer why, He verily allowed us to see the way how.

Let us thank God for giving us the chance to be truly with Him not only in heaven, but also within our hearts.

TRUST IN GOD'S LOVE
God surely is a booster of self-esteem. When we may have been feeling how the world has left us, God then comes to console us, and tells us how valuable each of us are to Him. He even goes so far as to tell us how much we do not need to worry about anything, as long as we follow Him.

How do I trust God? How do I love God back?

Today is the feast of Saint Thomas More, lawyer and martyr. He reaffirmed his belief that he must not be afraid of those who are out to kill him: he willingly surrendered his rights and privileges during the persecution of Henry VIII of England in the 16th century.

More was one of the people who bitterly protested Henry VIII's break with the Catholic Church after the Pope refused to grant annulment of his marriage with Catherine of Aragon. He was sentenced to death, and was canonized in 1935.

Am I willing to offer my life while trusting God?

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Saint Thomas More and Saint Alphonsus Rodriguez, martyrs, pray for us.

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photo credits:
http://www.moshereiss.org/messenger/10_jeremiah/rembrandt_jeremiah.jpg
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/167/423168386_4dead2166c.jpg
http://www.pugsplace.com/blog/image2/sermon.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f0/Hans_Holbein_d._J._065.jpg

Taking the Extra Step

2008-06-21T18:45:00.003+08:00

MATTHEW 6:24-34

"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing?

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith?

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.

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While I was meditatively scanning my First Book of Saints, I was particularly fixated on one great saint: Saint Aloysius Gonzaga. It never occurred to me until just now that it is his feast day today.
Saint Aloysius, considered the Patron of Youth and Young Men, was born into a noble family. Trained in the art of war, Aloysius was also exposed to the excesses and lavish lifestyle of Spanish nobility.

Despite this, he had an inclination to the religious life, such that, when he heard about the missionaries of the Society of Jesus doing work in India, he resolved to be one of them. With much opposition from his father, he entered the Society and served the sick to which he was assigned to minister. He died after carrying out his work with patients afflicted with the plague.

This made me think in relation to today's Gospel.

How much do I worry about my everyday needs? I have been given more than what is necessary, but what do I have to offer more?

Am I afraid to take risks? In my current apostolate as a medical student, how much did I invest to learn more about the diseases I am about to encounter in the clinics? Am I studious enough?

Am I willing to seek the Kingdom of God in the people I am with? Or do I prejudge them easily and refuse to take time and see the innate good in them?

Do I worry so much? Prayer should have been more than enough to ease our concerns.

Saint Aloysius, may I always follow the will of God and lovingly carry the Cross you so joyfully bore.

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Saint Aloysius Gonzaga, pray for us, and please pray for God's grace that He may lead me to the same footsteps you followed: into His humble Society.

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photo credits: http://irub.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/216624fork-in-road-posters.jpg, http://www.saintaloysiusgonzaga.com/images/Front_image.jpg