The past few days have seen me again at it with my vocation discernment program with the Jesuits, as I found myself attending the open houses and reconnecting with close friends.
Being involved in these activities again somehow raised a few issues about how I view myself to be in the future, as well as what are the things I think I should prepare for as the crossroad gets near month after month. As of this morning, internship is 61 days away, as well as more than 6 exams to be passed.
There is this one thing I would want to meditate upon: silence.
Whenever I feel comfortable during a gathering, I become talkative. Until I begin to realize that my words do not make sense anymore. It is as if I were a tape machine that suddenly got haywire. All of a sudden I realize that egos are being stepped on, insults are inadvertently hurled, and people begin to hurt. And most painful of all, it was over in a matter of seconds. The damage has been done.
Jesus was right in saying that what makes a man clean is not that which enters the mouth, but what comes out of it. The fact that I encounter these problems proves that there still exists within me a spiritual symptom I need to consult to God. Something that I suspect is borne from my past experiences, but more importantly, of how I think of others.
But there is a part of me that tells me that attributing one's defects to one's past is something given, something to be assumed. I do believe in willpower, and how that could help the human soul control its ways of self-expression. The best way is to impose silence on oneself.
Last Saturday, I had breakfast with my friends at the Jesuit Prenovitiate. It appeared that that hour fell within their daily dose of silence. Although at first, something within me was tugging me to make a sound, I soon realized how silence seems to fortify one's ability to recognize God's existence in all things. It showed me how it is to thank God for the food to be eaten, the tastes to be enjoyed.
God makes me remind myself of a lot of things recently. That I have to be careful with my words. And love others as I love God, with the words I use to communicate with them.
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"The God of Silence beckons me to journey to my heart, where He awaits
O Lord I hear You calling tenderly
To seek You as I gaze
At the beauty of Your Face I cannot see."
--God of Silence, Bukas Palad
